They take over my mind,
and my body.
They touch the very core of my being,
where emotion is so raw,
and rob me of precious moments
in the present.
Images flash in my mind
pulling me back in time,
my senses alert,
I feel it all …
how do I escape?
So clearly, I can see him,
I hear his voice
“It’s ok, you are safe with me”.
I smell his breath,
I can still feel his touch.
eyes clenched shut
my screams echoing in my head
“Please Stop. I don’t want to do this”
But I say nothing and do as I am told.
I’m just a child
6, maybe 7.
I withdraw into myself,
deep into my own mind,
where I am safe,
and sheltered by the walls of my own will to survive.
And I stay where it is safe, as long as I have to.
I see the world moving around me.
I feel the haze lifting
and life is coming back into focus.
I feel the chair I am in,
and my feet touching the floor.
I look at the clock,
how much time has passed?
I look at the people around me,
did they notice I left for awhile?
I look at my hands,
clenched tightly in my lap
breathe in deep
and let it out slowly.
I close my eyes for a moment
and I whisper to myself
“I am safe”.
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Love & Support 💜💚
❤ You are loved. I wish you peace.
Thank you! I’ve never journeyed through pain and greif this intense before in my life. Writing this was such a release … but I also suffered all the negatives of this release last night. Tears, a pounding headache, more flashbacks, and I topped it off with a nightmare. This shit is heavy. Knowing I have friends along side me lightens the load. 💜💜
My hope is that each time the memories come they hold less power over the present moment. Now your adult self copes with what the young child could not all on her own. The adult in charge takes over assuring the little child that she is OK and safe. Such good work and brilliant writing.
That is my hope too. It is the unexpected part that throws me every time – I never know when it will happen.
So hard, that part of it.