Another new memory. Well, maybe more like a new connection.
The memory itself I feel like I have remembered before, my money says in flashback form, but the actual connection and perspective of the memory – yeah, that was new.
I have no idea what triggered it; it just hijacked me while I was driving over the weekend. In this memory I am playing with my cousins; as I watch it play out in my mind, all I see is my young mind and body imitating what I had already learned; things a child my age should never know.
Why didn’t the adults who caught us do something about it? Why weren’t more questions asked?
I can see my grandparent’s house, the home before my grandma died and my grandpa moved. This is how I realized my age. I was so young, I am amazed I have such a vivid image of the memory.
My adult heart is broken for the little girl I used to be, but my soul – the little girl inside who never fully bloomed – she feels the pain and torment of this memory so intensely I fear my coping skills aren’t working.
When I realize how young I was …
How innocent I was …
And what I lost …
I’ve diffused essential oils, listened to music, looked at happy pictures, watched my favorite shows, cleaned, and cried – none of it has eased this heaviness.
The anxiety, insomnia, and the nightmares when I do finally sleep …
I have suffered enough; I lived an entire childhood of shame, fear, and isolation – it’s past me now, I survived it – how come it can still devastate me as easily now as it did then?!
Is this resilience; living with copious amounts of residual pain and grief due to the heinous acts of a family pedophile? Is this what my life will be like now that I am no longer protected by my concrete wall of disassociation?
Sorry friends, I have no amazing words of advice to end this post with, no sunshine or words of encouragement. Welcome to my mind; welcome to the chaos of a sexual abuse survivor as I try to deal with new memories, and the pain they bring with them.
This is real life recovery from childhood sexual abuse.
I cannot wait until the day I can take on a flashback without it taking me out first.
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