The Unknown

I feel so overwhelmed right now, it is hard to put thoughts into words.
I don’t have to protect her,
I am safe now;
that is what I was told.

And I responded “I don’t know what that means”.
I have always protected her,
my inner child.

She is so scared,
and hurt,
and alone;
trying to make sense of her terrifying childhood.
If I am not there to shelter her from the chaos,
she feels too much,
her senses overload,
she loses her sense of connection to the ground,
she becomes afraid –
and thus, do I.

So I have always protect her.
That is how I have lived.
My survival.

Then they came to town;
challenging the narrative I have created to survive the horrors of my past.
They brought with them understanding,
empathy;
unconditional love –
and they shared it in abundance.

I have to keep reminding myself that they are family.
It has been such a foreign concept to me,
a thing that I have no real connection to.
just a word that describes other people.

So now a new chapter begins.
It contradicts everything I have believed,
everything that has kept me safe;
and provides a connection I have never really had.
A connection I have written off as unattainable in the cards life dealt to me.
A connection I didn’t realize I wanted,
until I touched it.

And it hurts.
I hurt as I realize the years and memories lost.

And it’s scary.
I am in unchartered territory, facing fears I didn’t realize I had; I feel vulnerable, and fearful it will not last.

And it heals.
I see what family can be,
and what it means when I’m told, I don’t have to protect her anymore.

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