The Unknown

I feel so overwhelmed right now, it is hard to put thoughts into words.

I don’t have to protect her, I am safe now; that is what I was told.
And I responded “I don’t know what that means”.
I have always protected her, my inner child.
She is so scared, and hurt, and alone; trying to make sense of her terrifying childhood. If I am not there to shelter her from the chaos, she feels too much, her senses overload, she loses her sense of connection to the ground, she becomes afraid – and thus, do I.
So I have always protect her.
That is how I have lived.
My survival.

Then they came to town; challenging the narrative I have created to survive the horrors of my past.
They brought with them understanding,
empathy;
unconditional love – and they shared it in abundance.

I have to keep reminding myself that they are family.
It has been such a foreign concept to me, a thing that I have no real connection to.
Just a word that describes other people.

So now a new chapter begins.
It contradicts everything I have believed, everything that has kept me safe;
and provides a connection I have never really had.
A connection I have written off as unattainable in the cards life dealt to me.
A connection I didn’t realize I wanted, until I touched it.

And it hurts.
I hurt as I realize the years and memories lost.

And it’s scary.
I am in unchartered territory, facing fears I didn’t realize I had; I feel vulnerable, and fearful it will not last.

And it heals.
I see what family can be,
and what it means when I’m told, I don’t have to protect her anymore.

~~~~~

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Please stop by and check out the essential oils that I use for coping and the books that I reference for clarity and understanding as I learn to live with PTSD.

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Love & Support πŸ’œπŸ’š

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One thought on “The Unknown

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  1. Safety is such a hard thing. Sometimes, it might feel like it is there, but then suddenly it seems gone. For me, the feeling is easily shattered and even though I may eventually put the pieces back together it will always be imperfect.

    It must be so new to you, not really knowing them. I can’t imagine going through that.

    I hope with time it gets easier. I hope with time you can make new, better memories.

    Like

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