It’s Working; so why can’t I just admit it?

I haven’t felt this connected in quite some time. I has been almost a year since I have truly felt the present moment,  been aware of my accomplishments, of my happiness, of the good things that I do have, as I have battled the most severe depressive state I have ever experienced.

SAM-e changed all that. It is the one major change I have made in the last 5 weeks and I am so thankful that my therapist recommended this option versus a SSRI to me.

Yet, I feel weird talking about it. Every time I mentioned how this alternative medication (supplement) has done wonders for me over the last month, I always find that I minimize it by immediately following it up with a comment about “it could just be a placebo affect” that “it could all be in my head – but I’ll take it”.

Why can’t I just say – “this medication is doing wonders for me”. I feel like I am getting pieces of my life back, which is an amazing thing is you could understand the depths of which I feel like I am finally ascending; or if I could really illustrate the color that has returned to my world.

So why am I have such a hard time embracing the benefits and believing in them?

For starters, I really am nervous it may all be in my head because I want it to work SO bad. I’m terrified that eventually I’ll slip back into that darkness, and I don’t want that. Life has been hard to navigate with the weight of grief and depression that I have been living with.

I am also having a hard time reconciling I am a person who needs to take medication to function.

I feel like I am paying a lifetime’s price for heinous abuses that others inflicted upon me.

It has altered my abilities to cope, to process, to feel; it takes me a little bit extra sometimes.

More than anything I think that is just really, really hard for me to accept.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – it’s not the abuse that it hard to accept, or the family betrayals; that is what has caused my grief, my depression. It is accepting the lifelong emotional effects that I have to live with due to the actions of others, it’s the physiological changes in my brain due to the traumas I endured, things I had no control over – those are the things that are hardest to accept.

I guess for me, working on accepting that I need medicinal help to fully function (currently, or perhaps for life) is my next step towards recovery.

Good thing I have SAM-e to help me!

. . .

For those wondering, I take a total of 800mg of SAMe per day split into two doses which is a treatment dose (twice the ‘supplemental’ dosage), per the recommendation and guidance of my therapist. You can read about the research I have done on this supplement in my post here and check out the links I cited.



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5 thoughts on “It’s Working; so why can’t I just admit it?

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    1. Painfully challenging, yes! I appreciate how you frame accepting powerlessness, it makes such a complex and difficult issue feel simple and empowering. 🙂 Thank you for that.

  1. Pardon the possibly annoying English teacher perspective but maybe it is “just in your head.” Except, not “just” because that’s exactly where it should be. I mean, when it comes to the brain I guess placebo effect or not, it’s hitting us where it matters. You know? You deserve to celebrate the progress. (Though, for the record, I do know how easy it is to succumb to minimizing; like, if we don’t accept that something is really good then the other shoe can’t ever drop).

  2. I’ve also looked into supplements to add to my depression treatment. My naturopath and I decided on L-methylfolate, which is a SAMe precursor, and like SAMe acts as a methyl donor. It definitely seems to help me, and it looks like there’s decent research evidence to support both SAMe and L-methylfolate.

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