It is hard work;
reconciling the love I feel for you,
with the painful reality of your numerous betrayals.
It would be easier just to hate you.
Maybe then I wouldn’t wrestle with the feeling that I am letting you off the hook.
Separate the person from the actions –
love the person, be angry at their behavior.
Still , when that behavior is so abhorrent,
that it leaves pain and grief,
shame and embarrassment,
confusion and shattered senses in its wake for a lifetime …
when it is from someone who I looked upon as protector and caregiver;
when it is you, my father…
Can I really separate the behavior from the person?
Can I love you and hate what you did?
Can I miss you and grieve your death while also mourning my childhood, which you helped destroy?
Sometimes I think I can, sometimes I can’t.
Is this what healing is?
Is this what moving on means?
Is this how I overcome what you have done?
And despite you,
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