It is hard work;
reconciling the love I feel for you,
with the painful reality of your numerous betrayals.
It would be easier just to hate you.
Maybe then I wouldn’t wrestle with the feeling that I am letting you off the hook.
Separate the person from the actions –
love the person, be angry at their behavior.
Still , when that behavior is so abhorrent,
that it leaves pain and grief,
shame and embarrassment,
confusion and shattered senses in its wake for a lifetime …
when it is from someone who I looked upon as protector and caregiver;
when it is you, my father…
Can I really separate the behavior from the person?
Can I love you and hate what you did?
Can I miss you and grieve your death while also mourning my childhood, which you helped destroy?
Sometimes I think I can, sometimes I can’t.
Is this what healing is?
Is this what moving on means?
Is this how I overcome what you have done?
By remembering.
By feeling.
By hurting.
And despite you,
By loving.
By growing.
By living.
~~~~~
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Love & Support 💜💚
This is beautiful Shanon. I hear your heart. Hugs to you.
Thank you Aunt Terri! ❤️
Fantastic post.
Thank you 🙂
Xxoo
Incredible. Truly. Your heart may have been damaged (it too can heal) but you have a beautiful soul that hasn’t been harmed or broken. You are perfect. 💓😌🙏🏼
This is a heart-wrenchingly beautiful. I really like your poetry style. Thanks for sharing. I know it isn’t easy to bring up past hurt, but for me, poetry has always made it easier to do so. You are very brave for sharing this.
PS: Can you please delete my last comment? It posted before I was ready.
I understand this. It is so hard to reconcile horrible behavior and love we feel for the one who hurt us. I’m so sorry for your experiences.
Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. 😊
Hello. So heart wrenching. I feel you. I lost my father three months ago. I’m parentless now. He was not a kind man. So abusive. So much trauma. The hope of ever having the Dad I deserved and never had is gone. This is such a grueling journey. 💔😢 I wish you peace on yours.
Thank you 🙏 I’m sorry you lost your dad, even more sorry it left you with the pieces to pick up and the solitary task of finding closure.