Every four months I answer a questionnaire about how my traumas are affecting my daily life with my therapist. It is always based on the previous 30 days, and it is meant to gauge where I fall on the PTSD spectrum.
One of my short term goals is to drop my score on the spectrum by 10 points each time I answer the questions.
For the last 18 months I have plateaued, in fact, over the summer when I felt like I was doing much better … my score went up.
Bargaining is a sneaky friend, she is.
Last night I answered all the questions again, believing full well my score would increase due to the extreme stress I’ve been under over the last month.
But it didn’t.
It went down by 7 points!
So despite the gut-wrenching anniversaries this last month, through all the grief I have felt over the death of my mom, and throw into the mix some above and beyond stresses at work …
Lately, I’ve I felt physically horrible, overwhelmingly sad, constantly anxious, irritable, unfocused and jumpy. Completely out-of-control (again) and just hanging on for the ride …
But I’m managing and I’m doing it better than I have. What a boost to my confidence.
I got 7 points of my life back!
What happened to me will always be with me. And it will pop up uninvited whether I like it or not, for as long as I live. It is as much a part of who I am as any other part of my life.
But I’m learning how to carry it without allowing it such gripping power over me.
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