I have to get a handle on this.
But I don’t know how to start, because I find that I don’t trust myself.
Am I responding logically and with proper emotion or am I reacting? Should I feel this upset? Would a normal person who isn’t trying to make sure they aren’t letting their past affect their present feel this upset and overwhelmed with anxiety?
I ask myself these questions in literally every highly emotional situation I go through, trying to make sure with due diligence, that I am not allowing my C-PTSD to drive my responses.
And I seem to go through a lot of highly emotional situations.
Is that because I am drawn to the wrong people or because I keep repeating the same behaviors that are causing negative effects on my life?
It always comes back to trust.
My Achilles heel.
Trust of other people, the trust of myself.
This a truly fatiguing process.
Yesterday I picked a book up off of one of my shelves and began reading; it’s a book that I purchased almost 2 years ago when I first presented to therapy and began my trauma recovery. It was too much for my mind in those initial months of crashing waves, however, it has come up often as an excellent resource for those of us living with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to sexual abuse. It is called The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D.
I need to understand the science of what is going on with my brain and my body because I know that it isn’t normal and I also know that I have very little control over it.
All I can do is manage it through coping skills. So I feel like I also learn about it, understand it, and gain a deeper understanding of the adjustments I need to make in my life.
What happened to me isn’t going anywhere. I’m stuck with it; it’s ingrained into who I am. That doesn’t mean I have to let it define me, or control my responses.
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