I love to write.
At the risk of sounding boastful, I’m not too shabby either when I put in the effort.
I also know my writing helps people; not just me, but you too. I hear you when you tell me as you read the chaos I write, you feel not so alone. It helps me feel not so alone too.
So why is my writing so sporadic?
Well, because my trauma response is avoidance.
I avoid everything.
If it means I have to express or process any type of needs, wants, or feelings – then I hightail it out. Often times subconsciously.
It dawned on me as I come back to this blog with full steam, a calendar full of scheduled content, and a new lust to share – that I have done this before in the little over a year I have had this platform.
I realized as I sat reflecting this morning (because what else is there to do at 3am when anxiety wakes you up) that when I write: I process and I feel, I reflect and keep track, and I stay present.
And for someone who has spent 39 years avoiding all that stuff, forgive my language but –
It gets fucking tiring!!
The Ebbs and Flows
It’s no wonder I write in what seem like manic episodes; I catch a breathe of air and feel connected, present, focused, and ready. Or perhaps I’m triggered and through hyper-vigilance try to create a semblance of control and connection as the pain encompasses me. Or both(?), and then I vomit it all onto proverbial paper (this blog). Literal paper too, on occasion.
Then I stop. Suddenly, and for extended periods, to rest my weary, worn out, vulnerable, and exposed soul. Which includes turning off again, back into avoidance mode.
So, what makes this time different?
I want to change this behavior.
I love to write; it makes me feel better, more grounded and present.
I want to be more disciplined with myself and my goals. I want to be more disciplined in how I communicate with you because you deserve it too.
Self-care is important. It’s something I am not very good at, because it’s never been something I’ve prioritized. Writing and connecting with all of you, is definitely a form of self-care for me.
How am I going to change this behavior you ask?
I figure I have a couple ideas, mixed with some trial and error, and a lot of patience with myself.
That’s about as far as I have gotten.
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