My Trauma Response is Avoidance

My Medium

I love to write.

At the risk of sounding boastful, I’m not too shabby either when I put in the effort.

I also know my writing helps people; not just me, but you too. I hear you when you tell me as you read the chaos I write, you feel not so alone. It helps me feel not so alone too.

So why is my writing so sporadic?

Well, because my trauma response is avoidance.

I avoid everything.

If it means I have to express or process any type of needs, wants, or feelings – then I hightail it out. Often times subconsciously.

It dawned on me as I come back to this blog with full steam, a calendar full of scheduled content, and a new lust to share – that I have done this before in the little over a year I have had this platform.

I realized as I sat reflecting this morning (because what else is there to do at 3am when anxiety wakes you up) that when I write: I process and I feel, I reflect and keep track, and I stay present.

And for someone who has spent 39 years avoiding all that stuff, forgive my language but –

It gets fucking tiring!!

The Ebbs and Flows

It’s no wonder I write in what seem like manic episodes; I catch a breathe of air and feel connected, present, focused, and ready. Or perhaps I’m triggered and through hyper-vigilance try to create a semblance of control and connection as the pain encompasses me. Or both(?), and then I vomit it all onto proverbial paper (this blog). Literal paper too, on occasion.

Then I stop. Suddenly, and for extended periods, to rest my weary, worn out, vulnerable, and exposed soul. Which includes turning off again, back into avoidance mode.


So, what makes this time different?

I want to change this behavior.

I love to write; it makes me feel better, more grounded and present.

I want to be more disciplined with myself and my goals. I want to be more disciplined in how I communicate with you because you deserve it too.

Self-care is important. It’s something I am not very good at, because it’s never been something I’ve prioritized. Writing and connecting with all of you, is definitely a form of self-care for me.

How am I going to change this behavior you ask?
I figure I have a couple ideas, mixed with some trial and error, and a lot of patience with myself.

That’s about as far as I have gotten.

For more blog content visit my post index, for more poetry visit my poetry collection page.  

Please donate. I provide all my writing for free because it is so necessary for us to connect – but your financial support is very appreciated and it helps allow me to continue focusing on this while still supporting my family.   

Thank you for reading, if you enjoyed this post don’t forget to click like and follow my blog.  

Visit my Agency Resource page for hotline information if you or a friend needs help.  

Check out the SCT Together Store. 

Powered by

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: