As the evening wears on and 2018 comes to an end, I like may others, find myself reflecting on the past year.
I find myself extremely aware that my year has not been like that of the majority of my friends, because I live with C-PTSD and functioning normally (well at least what would pass the isthmus for normal) takes a lot more effort on my part. While I share many of the same struggles and stresses of work, bills, kids, car repairs, and doctor appts; I manage all of that while dealing with flashbacks (emotional, sensory, and visual), nightmares, insomnia, anxiety, depression, episodes of dissociation, and a number of other symptoms that accompany complex post traumatic stress disorder.
As I look back, I see many things I had wanted to do and didn’t – but I also recognize an awareness and connection that has developed that was not there before.
I am amazed at all that I have learned, as well as by how much I still struggle.
I have decided I am going to be ‘that person’ who sets goals for the new year, mental health goals. I believe it is important that I do this as a trauma survivor actively healing and learning to navigate CPTSD. I know I feel more whole, when I have a clear purpose in mind (or maybe that’s how I placate my anxiety 🤷♀️).
Regardless, this is what I plan to work on in 2019:
- I will work to be more patient with myself. I have a tendency to get discouraged quickly when I falter; rather I need to stop weighing my good days against my bad and simply accept that they both exist in my life and to embrace and honor them as they happen.
- I want to be more forceful with necessary boundaries. Something that I struggle with so much because I have lived my life as a people pleaser with a conditioned draw towards silence.
- I am going to work on being more accepting of change. Nothing is permanent or guaranteed, all I can do is learn to be more accepting of myself and my ability to make it through any major changes in my life, good or bad. This is going to be an uphill climb for me as it will mean addressing my issues with trust (in myself).
- I want to stop feeling so much shame about how my PTSD manifests in the world around me. My reactions, my messy emotions, my disconnections; all of the things I try so hard to control but can’t always manage – I need to work on accepting who I am and where I am at.
- I want to be more disciplined with active and engaging self-care which means journaling, card making, and more consistent posting on this site.
I have my work cut out for me this year; a lot that I want to face up to and work on, but I am up for the challenge.
Bring it on 2019.
What are some of your 2019 aspirations?
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