I feel it again.
That pull towards silent withdrawal.
The feeling of disconnect, unfamiliarity, and complete loss of direction.
The last six weeks have been so unbelievable stressful.
I wrote not so long ago, about how I blog in manic episodes; when everything in my head becomes too much – I unload it here with reckless abandon. I bare my soul until I’m spent and breathless.
Then I withdraw into the safety of my own mind and recharge. Avoiding any and all additional stimulation to the emotions and thoughts I am experiencing.
For how long this time? Days? Weeks? Months?
I realize with a new awareness of this cycling of my trauma brain, that each time I re-emerge from withdrawn avoidance, I have new connections, strengths, and understanding about myself and this journey.
Doesn’t make it any less unpleasant, fatiguing, or challenging.
I don’t want to walk about from my blog again. The connections here can sometimes feel like lifelines – letting me know I am not going crazy. Reminding me I am not alone. I don’t want to disconnect from my family and lose time away from my present.
So today, I am ignoring the pull to sit on the couch and disappear for the day. I deserve more than that out of life.
Instead, I am validating that feeling, honoring its part in my recovery process – and now I am going to consciously work on re-writing this tendency.
Which means working on some pieces I’ve already started writing to keep myself focused and engaged.
Wish me luck!
What are some things that you struggle with living with C-PTSD?
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