I feel it again.
That pull towards silent withdrawal.
The feeling of disconnect, unfamiliarity, and complete loss of direction.
Avoidance.
The last six weeks have been so unbelievable stressful.
A work situation crashed and burned (Repeat Behavior Pt. 1: Work), a friendship must end (Repeat Behavior Pt. 2: Friendship), and I have navigated some of the hardest trauma anniversaries of my life.
The hypervigilance.
The fear.
The anxiety.
The insomnia.
The monologues running in my head.
The anger.
The sadness.
The helplessness.
The shame.
I wrote not so long ago, about how I blog in manic episodes; when everything in my head becomes too much – I unload it here with reckless abandon. I bare my soul until I’m spent and breathless.
Then I withdraw into the safety of my own mind and recharge. Avoiding any and all additional stimulation to the emotions and thoughts I am experiencing.
For how long this time? Days? Weeks? Months?
I realize with a new awareness of this cycling of my trauma brain, that each time I re-emerge from withdrawn avoidance, I have new connections, strengths, and understanding about myself and this journey.
Doesn’t make it any less unpleasant, fatiguing, or challenging.
I don’t want to walk about from my blog again. The connections here can sometimes feel like lifelines – letting me know I am not going crazy. Reminding me I am not alone. I don’t want to disconnect from my family and lose time away from my present.
So today, I am ignoring the pull to sit on the couch and disappear for the day. I deserve more than that out of life.
Instead, I am validating that feeling, honoring its part in my recovery process – and now I am going to consciously work on re-writing this tendency.
Which means working on some pieces I’ve already started writing to keep myself focused and engaged.
Wish me luck!
What are some things that you struggle with living with C-PTSD?
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Avoidance is my go-to unhealthy coping mechanism, but so far I’ve been able to not let it affect my blogging much.
I am hoping to use my blog as a tool to fight it, as a medium to recognize and process my tendency instead of allowing it to take over.
Wishing us both luck! 😊💜
Great Post. I write when I’m having a rough time too. When my Anxiety/PTSD gets the better of me. It’s like having a public diary/rant. But it gets it off my chest in that moment like a quick release.
Good luck Shanon! Retreating into the familiar comfort of emotional shutdown is always an enticing response for me. The last 2 months has been super challenging and I find myself exhausted by the constant effort it takes to unlearn these unhelpful coping mechanisms. The realisation of just how many behaviours in need of focus is overwhelming – coupled with the memories, flashbacks, nightmares etc. It really is a very tough journey – it absolutely is. I think we are doing great 👍🏻