Last night in my therapy session three big words came up – Betrayal, Acceptance, Forgiveness.
Betrayal – linked to my issues with trust, with my perceptions of safety, and with how I value myself.
Holy shit. I’ve discussed this connection before – but last night the proverbial light bulb flashed and I physically felt the connection as awareness struck me.
An entire side of my family betrayed me; they were unsafe, and untrustworthy. How does a child live in a world like that? How does a child cope with that type of fear and uncertainty at every corner? Shame tucked me in every night. Embarrassment and terrified loyalty kept me silent. ‘Family’ was something I saw on TV, it didn’t exist in my world.
It’s no wonder I have mastered the skill of avoidance.
It’s no wonder feelings of betrayal cause me such heightened and intense emotions, especially when coming from someone who is supposed to be on my side. I become hyper vigilant, suspicious, angry, and anxious.
As I was reminded of the betrayals in my life sitting in that session, the tears fell effortlessly from my eyes, no blinks needed for assistance to drop to my lap.
This new found awareness of the grief in my life.
This new found awareness of how my abuse truly does affect my life in negative ways.
This new found awareness of the magnitude of what I endured.
This new found awareness of how out of my control some of this stuff is right now as I learn and heal.
It is all hitting with me with such force.
Which is my stepping stone to acceptance (once I catch my footing).
Awareness of what I have been through, and connecting to those emotions. Recognizing how things are affecting my life so I can rewire negative perceptions of myself and better control my responses – making the necessary changes, incorporating the necessary disciplines, and diligently working to better myself and my mental wellbeing.
That is acceptance.
I need to accept this new version of me. There is no going back. I will always have a sadness with me, because I have such an intimate understanding of horrors most people can’t even fathom. I don’t think some of my scars will ever fully heal over. Sometimes it will take me a little bit extra. Occasionally, I’ll likely loose my shit. Triggers are going to happen.
This is one of my biggest struggles, but I have to accept it. I have to accept me.
Then I can work on real and long lasting healing.
Then forgiveness came up and I felt myself pull back a little. Forgive who? Why? They don’t deserve it. None of them do.
Forgive myself. Forgive myself for all my incorrect responses, all my emotional outbursts, all the years I pulled away from family; forgive myself for every defense I have put up and exhibited as I respond to any and all of life’s stresses in the only way I have ever known how.
As a scared and abused child, who feels little value and is terrified of being betrayed by the people closest to her.
Oofta!
It was a heavy session last night, and tears are still clouding my eyes today as I reflect and process what these new awarenesses, connections, and motivations mean for me going forward.
Acceptance is yelling pretty loud at me these last few weeks.
It comes up quite often as I write these days.
Maybe its ‘time I start listening and try to figure this acceptance thing out.
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In my own struggles with forgiveness a line from Kesha’s song Praying really resonated with me: “Some things only God can forgive.” As I chewed on that in my head, I came to the conclusion that forgiveness is between those who harmed me and their higher powers. That shift in perspective allowed me to let go of a lot of the weight that I’d been holding onto, which I guess is what forgiveness is supposed to accomplish anyway.