Anxiety was my Alarm Clock Today

My anxiety woke me up this morning, 5:30am.

It woke me with a start too, suddenly I was fully conscience, despite my eyes staying closed, and the tape was running in my head.

The stupid fucking tape. I wish I could get rid of it already.

It runs a loop of all the things I should have said, want to say, as it plays out a recent and very traumatic situation that happened at a job I had a few weeks ago. This is how may brain improperly interprets and tries to process stress.

By running monologues.

In my defense however, I am dealing with a lot of big emotions (for a trauma survivor). Feels of betrayal, the loss of a friendship, (and a new thing I learned this week in therapy) own feelings of self-worth hanging on to how people treat me. A lovely side-effect of being neglected, abused, shamed, silenced, and belittled as a child by the adults in my life who were supposed to love and protect me.

Crazy right? How all this childhood stuff really does weigh heavy in adulthood.

But nonetheless, subconsciously I do hold these perceptions of myself so I am trying to work that out.

Then I fall into the pit of – I hardly have any friends as it is, and now another one is gone, what is wrong with me? Or – at my age and with my experiences, why am I continuing to repeat behavior that doesn’t behoove me?

Shame. Embarrassment. Dissociation.

It’s a vicious cycle when emotions tend to be my biggest trigger.

If my emotional triggers are set off I find I have little control of my behavioral reaction. Emotional triggers, my feelings of self-worth, my inability to create and maintain boundaries – are all new awarenesses that connected for me recently so I am in the very beginning stages of learning how to recognize and manage them if they are pinged.

I can’t change what happened to me as a child, I had no control over the changes in my brain as a result to the trauma – all I can do is live with the effects and try to manage them.

So this morning, as a means to turn off the tapes and manage the effects of my PTSD – I am here, sharing my morning events with you.

Now I am going to go get myself a cup of coffee and get back to the other pieces I am writing.

I think it’s time to dive deeper into the science of trauma – what has actually changed in my brain specifically and how does that translate into real life. More to come.

Enjoy your Sunday friends!!


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Love & Support 💜💚

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