I have found lately that a healthy balance in my life is not much of a thing.
As I continue to try and keep up with the constantly changing scenery of my life as of a late, I find I feel everything is kind of surreal; happening around me rather than to me as my mind works to catch up on processing.
Last year in November, a very re-traumatizing event took place at my work that set in motion a series of events in response to my triggered responses. As I look back I can see now, nearly three months later that the changes that have occurred have been very beneficial and rewarding for me. Through it, however, it has felt like one blow after another in a snowball effect that nearly took me completely out at one point.
Let me tell you how pointed I have to be to recognize the good, the energy needed for simply coping has been so intense.
My heart has been acutely heavy with grief lately, all of the losses in my life magnifying in the wake of these recent events. Perhaps because of the new awareness I am developing, perhaps because I am beginning to truly connect to my emotions – most definitely because I am beginning to have more intimate conversations with my inner child.
She and I are becoming one, more and more – rather than a little girl that I once knew, whom I refer to in the third person. The connection with her is like electricity to my senses. When we merge and I wrap her tight in my arms she sometimes threatens to take me under.
When I was little, I was in sensory overload with the magnitude of emotions that I was trying to make sense of. My young mind knew the basics: happy, sad, angry, love, safe – yet I was trying to keep up with and understand: manipulation, betrayal, terror, apathy, disregard.
It’s no wonder little me just shut down. And stayed that way.
But I digress –
I am trying to learn how to live my life in the present, which means bringing everything that I love into the moment with me and making room for it. It means holding on to the memories that make me smile and to let go of what I cannot change and what does not bring me joy.
Sounds easy enough right? Hahahaha!!!
This week I started a new job, in a field that I love and am good at but into a position that causes me both great pride and feelings of accomplishment coupled with screaming anxiety and acute PTSD in the wake of previous events.
I feel like I am embarking on the mission of my life right now. As I move into this new opportunity, with all of this new awareness and knowledge of my illness that I must manage. I am fully aware of the challenges that I am sure to eventually face. Instead of feeling comfortable with that knowledge, I feel anxiety at the diligence over myself that I have to practice due to past experiences.
I imagine I will eventually work through this – doesn’t make the here and now any less uncomfortable or stress-ridden.
I’m also going to have to figure out the best schedule for writing now. My new job has much demand on my time, and my family is even more important. However – this platform and those of you who read my words and share with me – you are a part of me and my healing process too.
So this is where I find myself – almost a week of silence on my blog after months of consistent writing, yet so much commotion going on in my life ripe for the sharing, and absolutely deserving of reflection and proper processing.
Tips on how to manage are welcome …
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