I stopped writing again.
It isn’t writer’s block. It took me a while to realize that.
I’ve come to realize, as I once again find myself coming out of a period of isolation and lethargy, that my writing is very cerebral for me.
Not to say that I don’t feel the things I am writing, at some point.
But in the moment as I write – I rarely have an emotional connection to the words even though my mind is processing things.
Then when the feeling actually catch up …
It’s like the louder my mind and body becomes, the quieter my words.
If that isn’t a trauma response, I don’t know what is.
As I maneuvered the last couple decades of dissociation, I truly thought I had spent a lot of that time present. However, as I teach myself to live with intention, I realize just how tiring present really can be. Especially to someone who isn’t conditioned to live with true emotional connection and who is still learning emotional regulation.
I don’t know exactly what caused my most recent bout of depression and isolation but I am learning to stop looking for the “specific reason this time” and accept that this is how my mind and body are dealing with my recovery. It is part of my process and for me, it is where I need to focus my self care.
It is also where I struggle the most.
I love writing, it makes me feel connected, it helps me process and release. Yet, I don’t write in the deepest of my darkness. I don’t do the one thing that connects me to my truest self, my creative self. I don’t know yet how to fix that. But at least I am learning why it is happening. And I know from past experience, the first step in each new level of growth for me is awareness of my responses.
My journey continues …
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