Reflections

I’ve been fighting lethargy all day, thinking about wanting to write but not really having the motivation.

That has actually been the theme of my year – thinking about what I want to do but not really having the strength (mentally or physically) to do it.

Don’t get me wrong – I’ve had many successes this year.

I started a job in February that I am actually really good at. Despite my fears due to previous work experiences, I have experienced both personal and professional growth, followed by boosts confidence.

I have continued to stay in touch with family far more than I ever have in my life which has helped me feel connected and loved, and it has fueled interest in my heritage and family history. A connection I have never really felt before.

I’ve nurtured and developed new friendships, ended old toxic ones, and found closure in some previously hurtful moments. I am learning what it really means to let things go.

I’ve found an amazing place of balance and understanding with my son, and we have become close again, as we were when he was younger. I never wished for him a childhood he would have to heal from, but at least I understand his pain better than some.

But …

I’ve also struggled with my PTSD which for me manifests mostly in depression, anxiety, avoidance, and isolation. If something is especially stressful I normally experience new memories and nightmares. It’s been exhausting.

My most recent bought has been been nearly 3 months of disconnection, avoidance, and isolation from family and friends. I’ve done literally, only the most necessary things – no social media, hardly any writing, no time with friends or family; just work, therapy, and general adulting, that’s it.

However, when I look back on the previous year of healing I have done; as I reflect on the new levels of awareness and thus ability to manage my symptoms – I do see progress. It’s hard to see the good sometimes, especially when the bad gets so intense it feels like I am losing control of my life, but the good is there. The healing is happening.

I don’t expect 2020 to miraculously be better than 2019, but as I reflect and compare this year to last – I find that my lessons on acceptance of what I have been through and what that means for me, continues. I am on the right path, I am learning who I am and how to be me; the real me.

I’ve no doubt this is what it means to take back control of my own mind and body.

Happy New Year my Friends – and I wish you healing!

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