It was quick and swift the way the lesson resonated, causing me to physically feel the awareness and realization take hold.
I’ve been dealing with a pretty stressful situation at work, and that always exacerbates my PTSD symptoms; but – it also gives me a lot of practice.
Over the course of my nearly three years in therapy, emotions has been a steady and constant focus as nearly everything I struggle with centers around them.
Not feeling them, feeling them too much, being ashamed of them, not understanding them, learning to identify them, where they come from, how to process them, and finally how to mange them.
And constantly, my therapist asks me not to judge them.
Last week while in her office talking through my work situation, I said to her feeling proud of my self-awareness “I recognize that I feel multiple emotions about this situation which is okay. It’s just still a struggle when these emotions argue back and forth in my head”.
She said: “try not to judge those feelings”.
“I’m not” I replied. “I just wish they would stop yelling back and forth in my head. It’s exhausting trying to manage them”.
She smiled, paused, then reminded me gently: “only you can stop them from yelling back and forth in your head”.
Just like that, it resonated. Hit me square – the responsibility I have to myself to be compassionate of my emotions.
In this work situation, not once had I allowed myself to feel one emotion completely and thoroughly. I was in constant and silent judgement of my emotions, of myself; without even realizing.
Well, I know now. It took some time for it to sink in, but I think it finally did.
Moving forward with new levels of awareness is exactly why I stay committed to this healing journey.
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