Mother’s day is a mixed bag for me.
So much to celebrate, dripping from the edges with loss.
My own Mother gone, with no memories to keep me warm.
It is a day I never celebrated as a child. I made cards for my dad at school, feeling left out and different than all the other kids.
Three children that could have been, my heart silently cries for them, replaying what ifs all the time: Dec. 6th, 2012, Aug. 30th, 2014, June 5th, 2018. I will never forget.
As a trauma survivor, these losses only magnify the grief already there. I will never grow accustomed to the holes that loss leave, and I am full of them.
I am left to find myself amidst all of the pain and all of the loss
channeling my strength to rise from it and be,
a Mother myself –
to my own two children, who need me.
A strong mother, who perseveres, and teaches my children that struggle is okay and there is reward when you make a commitment to yourself.
Parenting after trauma is hard.
Being a mother without a mother’s guidance is hard.
but I am figuring it out.
Sending wishes of love, strength, and comfort to all sons and daughters celebrating their mothers, missing their mothers, and missing the children they have lost.
Please be well.
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