I’ve been seeing my therapist for over three years, every week. During this pandemic, via telehealth. In this series come along with me through each appointment as I reflect on the session and my progress.
This week has been an okay week for me. Even the emotions that I am feeling I have been able to manage. In fact, this morning I did just that – I found new understanding regarding my triggers.
Understanding aside though, I am still dealing with heightened levels of anxiety and fear which are triggering irrational rage. We talked about the situation this morning and I celebrated my new awareness and ability to recognize and manage my trigger.
I am dealing with feelings of powerlessness as I return to work in retail next week. One anxiety related to my PTSD is a fear of dying early and leaving my children. I know this fear is due to the many losses I suffered as a child. This pandemic has elevated that anxiety to irrational levels that are hard for me to manage.
We spent some time today talking about the things that are in my control when I go back to work regarding PPE, space occupancy, cleaning, and distancing. She is great for helping me plan as a means of calming my anxiety.
Touching on the Past
Some childhood memories came up this week that I talked about tonight. Memories of all the trouble I used to get in. As a child of approximately 11 years old I was a chronic shop-lifter. This morning during conversation with my husband I remembered one instance in particular that was worst of all the times I was caught and the resulting legal actions. My memory is so vague, and emotionless. I try so hard to connect to myself in those memories, but it is no use.
As we talked about this I made a comment about all the trouble I got in to as a kid; more than I really realized until I recently as I thought about it. I made an offhanded comment about what a bad kid I was and she stopped me to say “Your behavior was bad, you were not a bad kid.” Noted.
I don’t really ask much after my official diagnosis. I don’t like the weight that labels can carry, especially for someone like me who is prone to getting stuck on certain thoughts and emotions.
Tonight I asked to be certain. I know I am being treated for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, but is there anything else on the list?
She thinks like I do – PTSD is a party bag – no need to be redundant and list out anxiety disorder, depression, affects dysregulation, and developmental stress disorder just for funsies.
- Due to time and my need for space to talk – we didn’t get to go over my goals for the week but I know what my plan is.
- Use breathing techniques when my physical symptoms of anxiety are ramping up. Then review the facts.
- I will continue to work on recognizing and replacing negative feelings and thoughts about myself.
- I will continue to work on my writing, on my “me time”, and on my marriage.
That was my session tonight. Some tears, some laughter. A lot of honesty. And a plan in place for when I go back to work next week.
Stay tuned for next week’s Therapy Dump.
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