Life lost direction over the last couple days. Events that I wouldn’t have imagined occurred and threw my senses all out of whack. While I haven’t written much about the details of what has taken place, I have given a glimpse of my struggles.
I have been a ball of trauma responses. Today I finally feel like I have some control over the tears and my wondering thoughts. It’s a struggle, fighting off all the self-doubt swirling in my head; the feelings of worthlessness, and defeat.
I have also learned some stuff about myself and this healing journey the last couple days.
It Still Feels Traumatic
I have been 100% on top of my emotions; simultaneously understanding the logic, and feeling the chaos of the situation. I have not judged any of it , I have just felt it. I know I made the right decision, yet I still feel like I let my family down. I know that this is not a reflection of my inabilities, yet I still feel like I could have done more.
The constant overachiever, the perfectionist.
I am realizing that even as I allow all the feelings to flow, as I intentionally practice self-care, and I purposefully recognize my triggers and love myself – it all still feels traumatic and overwhelming. At least, in this moment it does.
It Doesn’t Stop the Pain
This isn’t my first run through trauma triggers like this, but I have come to see that three years into therapy my skills to cope are developing. As I lean into everything that has happened and how it has made me feel and think about myself I can see very clearly, for what feels like the first time, exactly what my pain is connected too and why.
It doesn’t make it hurt any less.
Finding Focus Again
Today is the first day that I feel the edges beginning to dull. Three days of emotional overwhelm, negative thoughts, tears, and an emergency therapy session to get me to this point.
This morning I can still feel the pull at the corner of my lips and the burn in my eyes as teas threaten, but I have more control over them. My mind is still wandering occasionally into monologues of moral justice as I process the betrayals, and the losses that have ensued.
However, this morning I am in my office, listening to the birds in the front yard as I write knowing that ultimately this is just the next chapter in my life. I have plans for this chapter, plans that were in place long before the events of this week.
I found that sense of direction again today and I can feel the pull back into what I am meant to do.
A Book is Coming
I haven’t said anything yet, and I will write in more detail at another time as I prepare to publish but (as a teaser for you and a re-commitment from myself) today I plan to print out the first full rough draft of a book I have written. The topic: Information on and the experience of EMDR Therapy as a Trauma Survivor. This is a milestone for me which I am very excited about.
I still feel a bit raw; I still feel betrayed, angry, sad, shocked, defeated, etc … but I found my focus again. This time, the triggers aren’t going to throw me into despair for months, they will instead help guide me in the direction I am meant to go.
Here are 5 journal prompts for processing a trauma trigger as it is happening for those who use writing as a tool as they heal.
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