I’ve been seeing my therapist for over three years, every week. During this pandemic, via telehealth. In this series come along with me through each appointment as I reflect on the session and my progress.
Today Has Been a Good Day
Due to the events of the last week, I had an emergency session with my counselor mid week so today was a touch base from that.
I was happy to report that today, for the first time since last Thursday I am feeling better. I was productive this morning with my to-do list and my and the hubby went out and put in some hours with door dash. We are very lucky to have the ability to earn a living in this manner during this time of uncertainty, and it has been lucrative.
I got a good amount of sun as well today and I can feel the positive affects.
The Last Couple Days
This however, hasn’t been the trend. Just two days ago, I spent most of the day in tears. Just couldn’t get a grip on them, so I let them fall. And man did they fall, and fall, and fall.
Turns out the events of the last few days have exacerbated a huge emotional response in me to the losses in my life, specifically that of my mom (and dad). To understand why he is in parenthesis read My Albatross.
Over the last week I felt in every inch of my being, not having a parent to call during this time of struggle in my life. I have friends, yes. I have my husband. No offense to them, it’s just not the same. I felt very lost and wanted so bad to have a parent tell me “It’s going to be okay”.
Does this Type of Pain Ever Heal?
Through tears that still are not done falling I told my counselor that I don’t believe that time heals pain like this. I think time teaches and I am learning how to carry it with me during my life.
I don’t have any memories with my mom. I don’t have photos, I never heard her voice, and no one every talked about her. I can’t describe how deep that hole is, how full of sadness it is, or how it takes me breath away when I sit with it. Can this type of pain ever heal? How do I live with this?
In moments like this, my counselor doesn’t give me in answers. Instead she provides all the space I need, and then she both encourages and guides me through these uncharted waters. I’m learning how to feel. The answers will come in time.
Things I Realized
She once again (she did this in our emergency session) reminded me that had the events of the week not unfolded, I would still be in a situation that was unsustainable to my mental health. Something I have told her in our sessions numerous times over the last year.
I had been working over 50 hours a week, and on my days off I’d normally get calls from the store with questions/issues. I didn’t sleep well, I didn’t eat well, my anxiety was always high, and I never saw my family. But hey, the paycheck!
Over the last couple months since the pandemic, my husband and I talk more. We eat together as a family. I don’t go to bed with a racing heart. I get to play with my kiddo. I’m writing more, and connecting with myself again. There is even a book project in the works.
Between my husband and I, we can both work part time with door dash, while still focusing on our passions. Mine being this site and the writing that I am doing, his a photography business. And we can make the bills which has been my biggest cause of anxiety (understandably).
I am officially a struggling artist; pushed by the universe into full time writing to see what I can achieve when I commit at much time and effort into myself as I have making corporations rich for so many years. And I plan to embrace it and see where it takes me.
In the about me section of a book I wrote for English class in 1993, I said that I wanted to be a writer. I’ve known since childhood where my passion lies. Tragic that my words flow from a place of such pain.
Tonight’s Take Aways
- I’m really truly feeling my emotions, and I am managing them
- I knew my time at that job was coming to an end, I just wanted to do it on my own terms
- I do still feel betrayed, and hurt – and that is okay.
- This round of trauma triggers isn’t taking me down like before, that’s progress
- I am learning to recognize my trauma responses vs what is a normal response to a stressful situation, and accept them both as a part of myself and my process without judgement
Stay tuned for next week’s post.
Related posts: read through my previous Therapy Dumps.
Closing Comments
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So difficult to always be carrying the pain of wanting a mother. I wanted the psychologist I spoke to, to tell me it would go away but she couldn’t tell me that. I think from reading your blog and others, it’s something we learn to carry.
Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it teaches us how to live with them. I’m sorry you carry such a heavy grief too, I’d never wish this on anyone 💜