Painful Realizations

This morning I started writing about something
other than this.
I had an itinerary for the day,
and I was right on schedule.
Now, how to describe this feeling?
What words best fit
that pivotal moment 
when things changed today.
Triggered?
Trauma Response?
Flight Mode?
Any, or all perhaps.
My focus is lost,
and exhaustion has set in.
It happened so quickly
I wasn’t able to properly brace myself.
It has affected everything –
my writing,
my work,
my general energy flow.
Nothing is moving,
nothing is fluid.
I feel knocked down,
stuck,
drained,
lacking energy to even try and get back up.
As I sit here punching these words out 
on my keyboard
I realize I am writing on autopilot.
The emotions are there,
I want to communicate them,
but the connection to them is still 
“in the process of …”
It is just so tiring,
even traumatic,
to constantly trip over expectations 
that are never communicated.
To be declared incapable of things
I didn’t even know were needed.
It is hard to shrug off attacks that 
I am not good enough, 
and to recognize the anger being thrown at me 
has nothing to do with me.
Especially as I work through my own
trauma healing.
I don’t want to project,
I want to lead through example …
Mental injury is no joke.
Parenting after trauma is hard.
It is painful to watch someone I love
suffer.
To understand their attacks are 
just testament
to the depth of their own struggles.
It is painful to accept,
as mom,
that I am powerless to help
because my help is not wanted,
right now.
And so, I offer the only things that I can: 
unconditional love,
space and understanding,
open arms,
and boundaries 
because they are necessary.
I don’t know how this chapter ends
but I will continue to turn the pages.
and in the mean time –
my body will lead the way
to as deep a rest as it needs.


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