I’ve been seeing my therapist for over three years, every week. During this pandemic we meet via telehealth. In this series come along with me through each appointment as I reflect on the session and my progress.
Tonight was nothing more than an unloading session. So much has happened this week it feels like I have lived a couple life-times. The emotional roller coaster has been tiring.
Tonight I just needed a sounding board to let it all out, tears and all.
My Son
I am slowing coming to terms with where our relationship is at, as well as my roll moving forward. I have become more accepting of this chapter in life, while still holding onto hope of better days.
I am beginning to understand on a very deep level what it means to love unconditionally, with boundaries.
I am no longer afraid of upsetting my child with my boundaries on his behavior towards me, however I am now profoundly sad at how he is responding. I want nothing more than to help him through his pain, but he wants none of it.
Reaching this level of acceptance is some seriously heavy lifting for me.
Emotions Without Judgement
It has been almost a month since I lost my job over safety concerns regarding COVID. The entirety of that whole situation, and my lack of control has been challenging to move through, and past. I still feel pings of resentment and betrayal.
Last week as I drove past the store while out working my new job, I saw my former employee and the former colleague who took my position in the parking lot talking; all of the emotions hit me again. It was really upsetting – that’s what she and I used to do.
Recently I allowed myself some time to dive deep into my own anger and petty thoughts of revenge. I always try to be the bigger person so this was progress for me.
I thought about ways to get back at the company through rating platforms on the internet since they care so much about them. How easily it would be to get people to leave bad reviews after sharing my story – especially when I spent over 10 years of my life as a trained organizer.
Of course, I acted on none of it. But I knew I could, and it really felt good to just let myself think it and feel it without judging myself. And it was over almost as soon as it began, which I believe it because I allowed myself to just move through it.
Small Bits of Closure
Today, coincidentally, former employee got in touch with me on facebook. It was nice to talk with her and to hear that things are definitely different without me. Sounds like some of my customers miss me and have been vocal about it, I miss them too. I have known all along that I was good at what I did and this situation was not a reflection of me but I can’t negate that it felt good to hear first hand from her like I did.
Reflecting on this whole situation in addition to all of my experiences the last few weeks, and I am realizing my own capabilities of moving through this stuff.
My Path Has Never Been Hindered
I am learning that life happens in chapters, and I am the author. No chapter has a predetermined length – they all just run their natural courses (whether I like it or not).
Lately, I have been reminiscing on my life’s journey in a professional regard to this point. Through every job I have held, my responsibilities have been facilitation and service.
Advocacy, organization, and leadership have always played a role and every position in my life has provided me with different areas of experience and knowledge. They all fit together here. I have made a commitment to myself of a minimum 1 year dedication to building my livelihood around advocacy for childhood abuse survivors.
It is beginning here.
Recently, new opportunities are opening up for me. I shared a piece to another site called Mental Health @ Home which helped me reach a new audience of survivors, and I have been approached to do a live Instagram interview about my story and my life in the aftermath living with CPTSD. This interview is through an advocacy group in India and is focused on helping abuse survivors in that county find their voices. Big Stuff.
I am also working on a Peer Support network project that I hope to launch this summer as an added resource for childhood trauma survivors as they heal.
In life, despite all of my struggles, I’ve never once been left to wonder if I am on the right path. Even as I emerge from the dust of ugly endings – my true path in life has never been hindered.
Take Aways
- Feeling it all is progress
- My ability to manage feelings of emotional overwhelm are getting better
- This week I demonstrated the ability to push through the pull towards disconnection and stay on my schedule
- Keep focused on my goals
- My writing is becoming a habit; I have not pulled away from my site through all of this.
Stay tuned for next week’s post.
Read more from my Therapy Dump Series.
Closing Comments
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