It Was His Choice to Make

The losses just keep coming.
The hurt that comes with.
The constantly echoing “WHY?”
keeps bouncing around in my head.

I don’t even know how to explain the kind of week, hell – month that I have had. The punches keep coming and I keep wondering how many more I can take before I can’t punch back anymore.

I feel like I have been on a wave of connection and disconnection which has made the last few days feel like a couple of completely different lifetimes.

He was maybe 45, a lifelong friend of my husband, and the kind of guy you don’t forget once you’ve met. I can hear his laughter still, I can picture his smile. I just saw him right before Christmas, and we had chatted a little via messenger during lock-downs.

When I first met him 11 years ago – he told me he was going to hit me with his car. There was no containing my surprise, pretty sure I gave him a sideways look – 

To which he told me it was so that we could exchange information and he could get my number – knowing full well his buddy has just introduced me as his new girlfriend. That is the kind of jokster he was.

So many happy memories, and hilarious pictures. Music festivals, live shows, dinners at his house with his family –

Why is it always the people who seem happiest that carry so much grief inside them?

My husband is so mad at him.
Then he feels guilty for being mad and is crushed with new levels sadness.
Then back again to anger.
and so on and so on –
such a vicious cycle.

I feel so powerless to ease his pain,
so I told him to just feel it all without judgement.

A lot of people are hurting right now. There are two children in this world whose lives are forever changed. So many close friends are mourning; I am watching trauma unfold in real life and I can only hope we all have the necessary support systems in place to catch us.


It is so hard to make sense of suicide.

Rest in paradise my dear friend. I hope that you have found peace.

“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.”

― Oscar Wilde

Please – never be afraid to reach out for help – you matter! Your life matters!!

Nationals Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255

Closing Comments

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9 thoughts on “It Was His Choice to Make

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  1. Oh man, I’m so sorry to hear this. You have done well to keep writing through these tough times.

    That really is heartbreaking. And he left behind two children, too. It’s hard to understand. My uncle committed suicide when I was about 5, leaving behind a wife and child. It’s hard to understand what could sneak up so severely like that with those people around you.

    It’s just crazy that you already had tough things to write about and to process, and now this in real-time.


  2. I think it’s hard to make sense of suicide because, at least for the most part, it doesn’t come from a place of sense. I’ve tried to end my life several times, and there was never a “why” that would have been understandable outside my own mind.

    I’m very sorry for your loss, and wish you, your husband, and the people close to you well as you work through this grief.

  3. I have lost so many friends and family this way and a good friend just shared a similar story with me. Sending you all so much caring for such a difficult time.

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