It Was His Choice to Make

The losses just keep coming.
The hurt that comes with.
The constantly echoing “WHY?”
keeps bouncing around in my head.

I don’t even know how to explain the kind of week, hell – month that I have had. The punches keep coming and I keep wondering how many more I can take before I can’t punch back anymore.

I feel like I have been on a wave of connection and disconnection which has made the last few days feel like a couple of completely different lifetimes.

He was maybe 45, a lifelong friend of my husband, and the kind of guy you don’t forget once you’ve met. I can hear his laughter still, I can picture his smile. I just saw him right before Christmas, and we had chatted a little via messenger during lock-downs.

When I first met him 11 years ago – he told me he was going to hit me with his car. There was no containing my surprise, pretty sure I gave him a sideways look – 

To which he told me it was so that we could exchange information and he could get my number – knowing full well his buddy has just introduced me as his new girlfriend. That is the kind of jokster he was.

So many happy memories, and hilarious pictures. Music festivals, live shows, dinners at his house with his family –

Why is it always the people who seem happiest that carry so much grief inside them?

My husband is so mad at him.
Then he feels guilty for being mad and is crushed with new levels sadness.
Then back again to anger.
and so on and so on –
such a vicious cycle.

I feel so powerless to ease his pain,
so I told him to just feel it all without judgement.

A lot of people are hurting right now. There are two children in this world whose lives are forever changed. So many close friends are mourning; I am watching trauma unfold in real life and I can only hope we all have the necessary support systems in place to catch us.

Man.

It is so hard to make sense of suicide.

Rest in paradise my dear friend. I hope that you have found peace.

“Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one’s head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forgive life, to be at peace.”

― Oscar Wilde

Please – never be afraid to reach out for help – you matter! Your life matters!!

Nationals Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255


Closing Comments

Thank you for reading, if you enjoyed this post don’t forget to click like and follow me on social media!!  

For more blog content visit my post index, for more poetry visit my poetry collection page.  

Share your Story!!

Be a part of the Survivors Speak Interview Series which is dedicated to amplifying the voices of Survivors of childhood trauma by providing a platform to share truth through our stories. If you would like to participate in this interview series and share your story submit your information.


Visit my Agency Resource page for hotline information if you or a friend needs help.  

Check out the SCT Together Store. 

Leave a Reply

Powered by WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: