I Already Want Today to be Over

I didn’t sleep well last night.
I am so exhausted.

Neither did my little one.
There is no denying the connection she and I have.
I swear the nights I am fitful, so is she.
I won’t deny I am grateful to not be alone in those moments.

Awake and tossing, we finally settle back to sleep after maybe an hour while holding hands across the space between our beds.

I didn’t want to get up this morning, I wanted so badly to keep sleeping but once I was awake, I couldn’t get comfortable again. After my husband got up, there was no going back.

We’ve been sitting with our coffee, sharing our stress levels, trying hard to just accept what is happening in our lives and move through it as best we can. We called his mom to check in on her as she awaits her COVID results, she seems well which was relieving.

In the 11 years I have been with my husband, I have never seen him so vocal about anxiety. This morning he told me about how in his youth he always had a “f**k it” attitude but he realized as we get older, as we invest in life – we can’t help but give a f**k.

It just feels like everything we trusted to be solid and secure in our lives has literally crumbled from beneath us over the last four months.

And it doesn’t help that today is the funeral.

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3 thoughts on “I Already Want Today to be Over

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  1. Sorry to hear this. Keep strong. 💙. I can’t imagine the feelings of anxiety and dread about a funeral like that.

    “There is no denying the connection she and I have.”

    That is an amazing thing to have :). I have a similar thing with my younger brother. There’s 12 and a half years between us and I used to put him to bed and things, a lot of the parental things when I needed to. He’d always choose me over parents for bedtime stories 😅. It’s really cool to have an emotional connection like that.

    It’s definitely true that life gets harder and more anxious the more emotional investments we have. The paradox of life. It’s much more rich and rewarding for those investments, yet harder to keep anxiety away. Some anxiety is good and useful, I find that’s good to remember, but of course the unhealthy sustained kind isn’t so much.

    1. What a great bond you and your brother have!

      I have a younger sister. We have different moms and spend most of our lives unknown to each other.

      We’ve been connected for years, but only in the last few as I shake the dissociation and reconnect to myself and life have she and I begun to build a connection and get to know each other. I’m sad for the years I missed but grateful for her lack of judgment, her understanding, and her embrace now.

      I took a few days and let life have its way with me. I really needed to disconnect. Don’t feel fully rested or recharged yet, but life must go on. That paradox you mentioned is no joke!! 🙏🏻💜

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