In this week’s interview we will hear a story of resilience through a childhood of physical and emotional abuse. We will also hear about the challenging affects that follow us as we grow. She and her family tolerate each other for the sake of family thesedays, but her reality is that relationships are strained and no one really likes each other. 

She is sharing from the SE area of the USA but has requested anonymity. Sharing her story with us is such an amazing display of courage. She loves to express herself through drawing and signing; she also enjoys youtube. Drawing is her true passion, but she also enjoys making videos, and writing [songs and stories]. 

Her favorite people to quote are Jessica Bravura, James Rallison, or Thomas Sanders. 

Her Story

“Your Mistakes Aren’t what define you. But at this moment, these moments, after everything that’s happened, after everything has gone wrong, these moments matter. This is what defines us: How we pick ourselves back up.”

– Jessica Bravura

Please share as much as you are comfortable with regarding your childhood abuse/trauma.

I was born, when my mother had just recently turned eighteen. She already had another daughter, my sister. My sister was already two years old at the time. My mother was living with her mother, and it stayed that way for awhile. But when I was one, my mom moved out. 

Abusive Boyfriends

She started dating random guys, and most of them were cruel towards me and my sister. I only remember the two she stayed with the longest though. When my mother moved in with a guy, at first it was okay. But after my mother had been dating him for two weeks, he started hitting us. The first time he hit me, it was because I had spilled water on the kitchen tiles. He smacked me across the face, shoved me to the ground, and kicked my stomach. This isn’t that bad compared to some, but this was the first time I was ever hit, so it hurt more, because I was sensitive. 

After that things only went down hill. Me and my sister started getting locked in our room, with no food for days. We would usually only be fed once a week, if we asked for food, we would just get hit. 

After a while of this, my mother got another boyfriend, I remember, he was really tall, and he looked like a serial killer. The first day nothing happened, mainly because they were moving all my mother’s things into his house. On the second day, he got in a fight with my mother. The door frame to their room was broken, so he ripped off the broken part. He came running at my mother, and she ran into the kitchen and got a knife, he beat her that night, and forced me and my sister to watch. 

All I really remember from that night is my mother’s blood, and screams filling my ears. 

She Abandoned Us

Eventually, my mom didn’t want us [me and my sister] anymore. She drove us to our dads house, and dropped us off. On the car ride there, she was on the phone with him she said and I quote; “You have to take these kids, they are driving me insane, all they do is get hungry, cry, and try to escape! If you don’t take them, I will leave them on the side of the road to die!” and then she hung up.She dropped us off at his house, and we never saw her again until I was eight, but then she just wanted to sleep at my grandma’s house, because she was homeless, and refused to get a job. 

Not Such a Loving Grandmother

My grandma mentally abused me, and my sister, but mostly me. She did this until I was 12. But i’m not actually sure if she did it after that, I just stopped really listening to what she said, and just did what she told me to do. 

How have your experiences with childhood abuse/trauma affected your life? Please share both the good and the bad. 

I think there is mostly bad that came out of these experiences, but it all depends on perspective. I now have anger issues, trust issues, paranoia, PTSD, and I eat very little because I just got used to not being allowed to eat a lot, which causes health problems. I am afraid of humans, but I can’t stand to be alone. I’m scared to love, and to be loved, but I just want someone to love me. I act tough and rude towards everyone, so that I can hurt them before they can hurt me. It’s turned me into a walking ball of hurt, confusion, fear.

What are a couple things that have helped you manage your C-PTSD from day to day? Talk a little bit about what it is like to live with this mental injury?

I don’t know how, or if I manage it, I’m just there. Living with a mental illness sucks, but the best way I can explain it is, you know that feeling, when you stub your toe? Or your favorite character in a book dies? It’s like feeling that, but 1,000x worse, everyday.

What is one thing you want others to understand about being a childhood abuse/trauma survivor? 

You don’t have to think it’s ‘that bad’ or traumatizing, for it to traumatize you.

What advice or reassurances do you have for other survivors who are struggling? 

Just keep going, it’ll get better, but only if you let it get better.

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Read other interviews in this series.
Photo by Keenan Constance from Pexels

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