I woke up so very sad this morning.
It’s been the theme of my days lately.
As I reconcile recent events,
I feel myself cycling through my stages of grief
and I’ve settled nicely into depression.
A place where I can easily get stuck.
When emotions get big,
and internal alarms systems begin to toll,
my defenses go up.
I feel lost,
though my path is clear,
yet I am still productive.
Minutes turning into hours,
days melting into each other …
how are things even getting done?
My nights are fitful,
coated in dreams that get lost
in the fog of dawning consciousness.
Yet the taste remains.
Unease, fear, confusion.
I don’t feel rested,
my energy lasts the whole day.
Welcome to life lived in survival mode,
my body locked into hyper vigilance,
my mind working on autopilot,
filtering out unnecessary information.
I wonder what I have already forgotten this week?
I am functioning,
moving through each necessary motion –
but I am not connected,
not like I want to be.
Life is happening around me right now.
I feel like I’m just watching.
I hate this.
I know it will pass.
I recognize the stages.
I am familiar with my process for grief.
I wish that knowledge alone,
would speed this up.
now is the time I must challenge myself,
and trust myself.
It is time to lean into my discomfort,
to practice mindfulness,
and to find comfort in self-compassion.
It more important now than ever,
that I have patience with myself.