Patience With My Process

I woke up so very sad this morning.
It’s been the theme of my days lately.

As I reconcile recent events,
I feel myself cycling through my stages of grief
and I’ve settled nicely into depression.

A place where I can easily get stuck.

When emotions get big,
and internal alarms systems begin to toll,
my defenses go up.

I feel lost,
though my path is clear,
yet I am still productive.

Minutes turning into hours,
days melting into each other …
how are things even getting done?

My nights are fitful,
coated in dreams that get lost
in the fog of dawning consciousness.

Yet the taste remains.
Unease, fear, confusion.

I don’t feel rested,
nevertheless –
my energy lasts the whole day.

Welcome to life lived in survival mode,
my body locked into hyper vigilance,
my mind working on autopilot,
filtering out unnecessary information.

I wonder what I have already forgotten this week?

I am functioning,
moving through each necessary motion –
but I am not connected,
not like I want to be.

Life is happening around me right now.
I feel like I’m just watching.
I hate this.

I know it will pass.
I recognize the stages.
I am familiar with my process for grief.

I wish that knowledge alone,
would speed this up.

now is the time I must challenge myself,
and trust myself.

It is time to lean into my discomfort,
to practice mindfulness,
and to find comfort in self-compassion.

It more important now than ever,
that I have patience with myself.

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