We’re Figuring It Out as We Go

It happened quickly,
the breakdown in communication.
If only this damn pandemic!!

Family visits.
Why must they be such a gamble?
Taking age,
health conditions,
and outside risk factors into consideration,
is there even a safe way for an overnight visit?

And lest we forget – with age,
What if we don’t have much time left?

The guilt if we infect,
the guilt if we miss an opportunity.
Can we even win in this game right now?

So when the call came and a visitor was scheduled for next week,
I felt blindsided.
What was the plan?
How can we ensure safety for everyone?
This is just not going to work.

All I got was “but you knew this was happening”, and “I would have figured something out but you’re just like no!”,
like somehow I’m the one who missed the nonexistent plans and overreacted.

So the conversation ended,
the phone was hung up
and I sat there in stunned anger,
and feeling like an asshole.

What the hell is going on?
What is this messed up life I am living right now?
Did I really just say no to my husband seeing his dad?

So we did the one thing you’re not supposed to do.
We went to bed angry.
Both of us nicely tucked into our own sides of the bed.
Feeling hurt, confused, and unrelenting.

Fitful sleep,
anger still fully present when I woke up.
We needed to talk about this.
I am SO not good at this stuff.

We sat with our coffee,
I started off the conversation:
“I’m still struggling with what happened last night, I still feel angry.”

I could see my husband trying.
But emotions were clearly still raw and intense.
Right or wrong, I continued to express my case (through uncontrollable tears):

Your mom is just recently recovering from COVID.
We’re homeschooling because the risks continue to grow.
Why do we take is seriously with everyone but your dad?
And finally, the most hurtful: why did you gaslight me last night?

It wasn’t landing,
so I got up and went to the couch with my coffee
and cried.

It wasn’t until he came in next to me about 15 minutes later and sid:
“You’re right, I’m sorry. I just really want to see my dad and I was angry. It felt like you said no without discussion.”

It was in that moment I realized the majority of my emotions were stemming from feeling unheard.

It was in that moment I realized I forgot to ask my husband what he was feeling, too.

It was in that moment we became a team again ready to face the challenges of this crazy new life.


Closing Comments

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2 thoughts on “We’re Figuring It Out as We Go

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  1. This was really good. I’m enjoying this writing style. I’m glad it worked out well! It’s so important that both sides can be self critical and catch mistakes honestly. And there is a sadness in how this situation forced upon us can lead to conflicts. But it’s really just testing relationships in ways they always would’ve been :).

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