I’ve been seeing my therapist for over three years, every week. During this pandemic we meet via telehealth. In this series come along with me through each appointment as I reflect on the session and my progress.
It’s taking everything in me to write tonight. Just not feeling it. Which has been the general mood of my week (both proverbially and literally), so it isn’t surprising. This therapy dump might short.
I am definitely in the midst of a depressive cycle. I have very little motivation to do anything, even the responsible stuff. Thank goodness I am part of a team, and my husband has been good about taking on a little bit extra.
My emotions have been sitting right on the surface recently, more in control than I am. It’s a tough space to be in. I saw it coming, I thought I was more prepared. I will concede I am doing better than times past – that doesn’t change the fact the last three days just passed me by.
Hyper-vigilance has finally waned after what felt weeks of blow after blow of life changing events. Life has been “calm” (for lack of a better term) and so the exhaustion has caught up to me.
As my body forces me to rest, there is no escaping reality; no energy for distraction. Everything I have been through is here, sitting face-to-face with me and as I teeter on acceptance of some difficult stuff, I am filled with the deepest sadness.
I minced no words, I just asked my counselor “have I been co-dependent on my adult son? Is that why this change in how I interact with him is so difficult?”
It was like my counselor knew I was in a place where negative self-talk would be easy to fall into so she didn’t answer. Instead she asked me to explain in more detail why I thought this. She gave me some space to explore this a little bit – and then she told me not to get stuck on what I may have done in the past and to focus on how I am changing now.
I just feel like part of my healing has to be recognizing the parts I played in some of the issues my son has while also realizing how I have taken on far more than I should have emotionally. Which makes me sad as I reconcile it, but this is my process. I have to get this shit organized in my head.
I told her about the situation with my husband and father in law with boundaries and how it left me feeling uneasy; I was proud of myself regarding the boundary, uneasy with how I acted as I set it.
I explained that as I reflected on the event this week, I realized when I feel powerless I tend to have misplaced bursts of anger. It’s nice to have figured that out; if only I could recognize my feelings of powerlessness before they show up as anger.
This is when my counselor asked me to explore more deeply what negative thoughts I am holding about myself that are attached to that feeling of powerlessness. This of course would be where EMDR would be used but right now we aren’t doing in-person sessions so this will be up to me.
She wants me to think of other times in my life that I have felt powerless similarly to recent situations. Times from childhood so that I can draw some parallels and figure out what I am thinking about myself that I react immediately with anger. She believes my anger is likely a deeply rooted trigger response.
Time to get thinking.
The Space I Needed
I had so much to say and feel in this space tonight that I went over my appointment time by probably 15 minutes. I had no idea, and she never gave a clue. She just provided space – and that was what I needed.
- Be accountable to my daily schedule
- Create a routine that give my day a purpose
- Work on counter-conversations with myself when avoidance shows up
- Explore my feelings of powerlessness to see where they are coming from
- I am getting better at being authentically me
Stay tuned for next week’s post. Read through other Therapy Dumps.
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