I Just Want to Scream

I want to scream until I have no voice. I want to scream until my breath runs out and my throat is horse. My cousin would tell me to go outside or grab a pillow and let her rip-

I’m living in survival mode right now. Literally.

My household has no safety net, no cushion in the case something major happens. I don’t have time to be preoccupied with my trauma healing because I’m trying to keep food on the table and a roof over our heads.

It’s hard to explain the exhaustion of living hand to mouth, wondering it you can continue to meet your child’s most basic needs.

And ignoring my trauma is causing my mood to fluctuate in ways that cause me shame and embarrassment. I hate asking for forgiveness from my family all the time.

My husband and I have lived poor before, but never like this. Never so close to the bottom dropping out.

I am constantly looking for a place to put blame, some explanation for this chaos I am living. Someone or something to direct all of this overwhelm at – but it isn’t just one thing, or one person. It isn’t something we intentionally did.

I am still searching for the balance that will become my livelihood, but it continues to be fleeting.

I need to work.
But, I want to write.

but, writing.

Housework & responsibility
I really just want to write.

If only my word count would pay the bills.

I feel lost.

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5 thoughts on “I Just Want to Scream

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    1. I have considered a Patreon. I’ve got the content for a book but no motivation to pull it together. I have considered “premium content” but feel like what I write here needs to be available not charged for.

      Not sure what other means of profit there are, other than writing things I’ve no interest in. I have a hard time coming up with the click bait style pieces bigger websites pay for because they feel like work and not genuine sharing about the healing journey after childhood trauma.

      Maybe I’m undervaluing myself and just getting in my own way … ugh.

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