I’ve been seeing my therapist for over three years, every week. During this pandemic we meet via telehealth for safety. In this series come along with me through each appointment as I reflect on the session and my progress.
This week’s session felt like me rambling a mile a minute as I expressed all the things going on my head.
When this happens, I know that the deeper processing and heavier emotions are coming – this seems to be my first step in the process.
I’m pretty proud of this new awareness. I hope to be better prepared for managing any symptoms that may show up in the days to come.
Or maybe I am just afraid I haven’t figured out how to process things yet so I still question whether I am actually processing something or I am avoiding it. Emotions have always been so difficult, being able to manage them still feels foreign.
I Achieved a Goal (that I forgot I had set)
100% did not remember promising to think over three self-care techniques I want to start working. Self-care has become a new long-term goal for me because it is something that I still struggle with.
This last week, with purpose, I talked with my husband about the things that I need help with. Additionally, I let go of my need for control over these things. In doing so, he and created a schedule for the week that really worked.
We managed to cover virtual schooling with our kindergartner, our work schedules, alone time, family time, and we even found time for our passions. Hubby even fit in some work on the car.
And the house chores were kept up on too (within reason). It’s been a good week of presence, focus, and connection.
Still, the Dreams & Anxiety
This week, despite managing the chaos and stress of our lives, I was still riddled with some uneasy dreams and anxiety that keep me up almost an entire night.
In one dream, I was at the dining table of my grandparents house when I was a child (my abusive grandfather’s home). My abuser, my grandmother, my father, and an Aunt were there. All telling me I need to be sure to say goodbye to my grandpa because I wouldn’t be seeing him again.
Quick scene change, now I am alone and thinking “I don’t fucking care, I’m not saying goodbye.”
I have never, not once in my nearly 41 years ever had a dream about the grandfather that abused me, or his wife. This dream left a residue.
The second dream was a reoccurring dream that I have had most of my life. I call them my house dreams. One day I will write about them, for now – it would take too long to explain the setting which is where the emotion from the dream comes.
I’ve had these house dreams for decades and can describe at least a dozen homes from these dreams.
The night of anxiety was brought on by feelings of unworthiness as a parent and the strain in the relationship between my oldest and I. It was his birthday this week and I was anxious about whether I could call to talk with him due to the boundaries he asked for.
I haven’t seen my baby boy in 7 months – this is the longest we have ever gone and I miss him terribly.
Boundaries & Age Dysphoria
As I continue to work through my developmental trauma I am finding it shows up a lot in the relationships I have. Sometimes I forget that I am the adult in the room because my brain development was hindered by trauma in my late teens.
Boundaries are still feeling uncomfortable and causing me grief, but I am working through it.
I am trying to be mindful of who I am, what my experiences are, and work through these feelings of inferiority as I rewire my brain to fit the person I truly am and want to be going forward.
Tonight’s Take Away
Tonight was a night that I voiced the things building up in my head. I am beginning to recognize when I am hyper in an appointment like that where I have a million things to talk about so I survey them all instead of digging deep into one thing … I’m in the beginning stages of processing what the situation(s) means for me.
I also realize that when this happens to me, I end up becoming overwhelmed if I don’t prepare with a proper self care plan.
I see it coming – I’m ready to level up in my skills on managing PTSD symptoms!!
Stay tuned for next week’s post. Related posts: Therapy Dump Series
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