I’ve been seeing my therapist for over three years, every week. During this pandemic we meet via telehealth. In this series come along with me through each appointment as I reflect on the session and my progress.
It was another session of surveying all the things that are stressing me out and all the things I am working to accept.
I think that life is just that stressful for me right now. I also believe I am on the verge of full acceptance of some things which means really facing it head on and reconciling what it means for me going forward.
Acceptance is hard.
Teaching My Child How To Feel
I had an experience with my 5 year old this last week that touched my core. She found some photos of a friend we had lost touch with and become overwhelmingly sad as she cried about the pandemic and how much she misses her old life.
Seeing my child hurt like this, for truly the first time (she has only cried like this if hurt or in trouble to this point) and I felt instinctively that I wanted to tell her not to cry, that it would be okay.
That’s what I did with my oldest. Stop all emotions before they even begin, downplay them, send them off without proper processing.
Well, I didn’t do that. Instead I sat with my hurting child, in her pain with her and I hugged her and let her know what she was feeling was normal and that I was sorry she was hurting.
What a moment we had.
Past vs. Present: Writing or LIVE Streams
I talked at length about my new ventures into the realm of Instagram and video sharing. Mostly because I feel like I have stepped away from sharing my thoughts and feelings through writing and am now going full throttle at this new outlet.
I’m anxious about my inability to properly balance. I feel the pressure of an active following and the push to create content in a new way and it is a bit exhausting.
But I LOVE making videos and as we talked about it – it became clear to me the difference in my methods of sharing.
When I write, I tend to write about my past and how it affecting my future. Most of my writing is heavy with my grief and a constant pull into my childhood as I document my story and my recovery.
In my videos, I don’t share my story the same way. I share my journey in the moment as it pertains to my past. In other words – my writing takes me back, my videos keep me present.
Now – back to that thing I love so much – finding balance.
The Shifts in My Energy
I am accepting that if I listen to the energy flow in my body I am becoming more productive. I have always measured my worth and ability by the level of service I give.
In relationships, at work – I will burn myself out to prove I am good enough.
In the last few weeks I have allowed myself to take a day when I need to without guilt or shame (and I am lucky that my work from home situation allows this) so that I can follow my energy and recharge. In doing so, it has made me more productive in the areas that I do focus myself at any given time.
It has proven to be a good recipe for me.
23 Years of Dissociation
We talked a bit about my 20 years of dissociation and the grief that is causes me.
As I talk more about it, like I have been recently – I am facing it a bit more head on and really taking account of what it means for me. Lots of grief, I missed so much.
And I get stuck here, in sadness. It is so familiar I can slip under it like a cozy blanket. So my counselor was firm with me when she told me that the facts are – I cannot change it. I need to work on acceptance and focus on what I can control.
Easier said than done, but I appreciate (and understand) what I need to do.
To follow my healing journey through therapy – check out my other Therapy Dumps
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