October is an awareness month for a lot of different, very important topics. The one I want to talk about here – is Pregnancy and Infant Loss.
There are three dates that will forever be imprinted on my heart:
Dec. 6th, 2012
August 30th, 2014
June 7th, 2018
Three babies that I loved more than myself as soon as I knew they were growing, and whose loses still catch my breath to this day.
Five Pregnancies, Two Children
My first born happened so easily. I was young, fertile, and didn’t give a second thought to how precious the process was that was taking place in my body.
My second pregnancy happened a lifetime later (14 years), unexpected but welcome. I found out on a Friday and was in the hospital by Monday, having lost the pregnancy.
Three years later my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family, this time planned. Within two months we began our celebrating. On week 7 when it was time to hear the heartbeat, instead I found my little seed had stopped growing and again I was taken immediately to the hospital for a D&C.
I was broken, I didn’t want to try again.
Not yet on a healing journey at this point in my life, I was not aware of how I always battle feeling not good enough as a childhood abuse survivor. In that moment my body wasn’t working properly and I felt defective. It was pinging all the internal triggers.
My Rainbow Baby
It took a few months before I was ready to do this once more, my fears and anxieties at level 10. Still, we wanted it so badly so we went for it and again quickly I became pregnant.
With the issues from before I found a new doctor (by recommendation from a friend with similar struggles) and so began an intensely monitored pregnancy. The first three months I spent having my hormone’ levels checked weekly. I had ultrasounds every trimester and my delivery was scheduled for induction two days after my due date because of my age in case she didn’t want to leave her comfy little home on time.
In February 2015 I gave birth to my beautiful rainbow baby, we named her Liberty (Birdie for short). She is one of my greatest accomplishments .
And Then It Happened Again
Two years after my little rainbow child was born we found out we were pregnant again. This new bundle was due just after my Birdie would turn 3 – I was over the moon with the unplanned yet perfect age difference – and having come from a successful pregnancy it never crossed my mind I couldn’t do it again.
It didn’t take long to have our whole lives planned with this (third child for me) – second for my husband on the way.
To have it yanked from my grasp again within weeks destroyed me. I still grieve my last lost pregnancy intensely.
There is Little Comfort in the Idea of 1 in 4
Knowing that miscarriage is common doesn’t make me feel any better, and it doesn’t make my losses hurt any less. I will feel the holes in my life where my children should be, forever.
I have already spent most of my life grieving traumatic loss. This was a new level and it compounds the grief I already feel. Especially now that I am awake and aware of my childhood and it’s affects on me emotionally.
It is hard not to feel like there is something wrong with you when you grow up hearing that women have babies, it’s is what our bodies do. My body however completely revolted against me, it wouldn’t do what it was naturally made to do.
It is the most powerless feeling in the world.
Normalize Talking About Miscarriage
I hate the practice of not sharing a pregnancy “until you know it’s viable”. I truly believe this practice is what has pushed women to silently grieve their losses.
If we know that 25% of pregnancies end in miscarriage within the first 12 weeks – why wouldn’t we make sure that the first trimester of a pregnancy has just as much moral and medical support as the second and third?
It only takes days to picture your life with a new baby forever, it only takes minutes upon seeing that test result to loose your heart to this unknown being for as long as you are breathing.
It can take a lifetime to grieve this loss.
We parents need our people around us when we suffer losses like this. Period.
So, lets start normalizing the discussion of miscarriage so we can make sure to support each other up through our losses.
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