As the Season Changes

Since the beginning of my healing journey, November has been a hard month for me.

It is a month riddled with trauma anniversaries.

In November of 1995 the trail against my grandfather for abusing me began. He took his own life the day I was scheduled to take the stand rather than face jail, a few days later his birthday.

…and my father’s betrayal.

Also in the month of November, my birthday – the day my mother slipped into a coma, never to wake up. I can’t help but view this day as bittersweet as I am knee deep in my grief.

The Struggle Makes Sense

It makes sense that this month is difficult for me. I am knee deep in my healing, swimming in my grief, and moving through all of the losses, betrayals, and pain of my childhood in order to move past it.

I spent over 20 years dissociated from my childhood wounds, never giving this month a second thought. Now, with full awareness of my past – it has become a month that I dread. It is a month that has knocked me over repeatedly the last three years.

I have to plan for November – I have to have a proper game plan in mind for coping. I have to be ready for anything and it can get exhausting.

But this year – something is different. I can feel it.

I Feel Autumn in My Soul

This year I am unbelievably aware of the changing of the season. I feel a comfort in the colors and an awareness of the end of a cycle. If I were asked to pick a favorite season right now, I would say Autumn.

This fall has also brought much good fortune for my family which I can’t help but believe is the universe stepping in to tell me to keep the course.

I don’t feel the usual dread as November approaches that I have in past years and I want to celebrate this victory in my journey of healing.

I am not naïve to believe that November will not bring any challenges at all, and I will still be prepared as the dates arrive – but I feel the softening of the edges as I continue to learn acceptance.

And that is what healing in real time looks like.

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