Coffee is therapy. Read along as I relate and offer affirmation to the struggles of living with Complex PTSD over my morning coffee.
Recently I have been very sad. It hasn’t taken much for the tears to fall.
So many emotions, all surrounding my dad and the deeply rooted thoughts he planted into the very fibers of my being due to his betrayals, neglect, and emotional abuse. My struggle to love myself without judgement and to allow my process to flow without anger or exasperation is very real. I feel like a stranger to myself.
I read a post on IG about someone who just lost their father (a relationship that was already toxic) and he spoke about the emotions he was feeling and how “he” knows he will be alright, but the “little boy” in him doesn’t right now. He said that was his task – to provide safety and comfort to his inner self.
Reading what he wrote and reflecting gave me a next level awareness ah-ha moment with my own inner self. I’m always “aware” that my triggers are from my past. After reading and reflecting on this post, I truly made a connection to myself. I felt deeply the realization that my pain is me. It’s little me. It isn’t an “abstract” of my past – it is me as a child bleeding through to the surface demanding the care I never received.
It was electric.
Finding my inner self, sitting with her, feeling her pain, comforting her through it all – it’s a tall order. It isn’t easy to care for someone whom I barely know – but I won’t give up on myself.
I hope you don’t give up on yourself and your journey either.
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