I Am Still Learning

Coffee is therapy. Read along as I relate and offer affirmation to the struggles of living with Complex PTSD over my morning coffee.

Recently, on a day earmarked for rest & recharge, I woke up and realized I needed more than just rest because I had an empty tank. I knew immediately I needed to dial everything back. I went over my list of responsibilities and I prioritized what absolutely needed to be done and then tabled everything else.

The next thing I knew the day was over.

The following morning I remember waking up to realize that I didn’t feel any more connected, recharged, or ready to get back to where I left off. I feel just as depleted as I had the day prior.

I realize it is because on the day I needed to rest, I didn’t. Instead, without really realizing it (because that is how it often happens), I checked out. Everything I did for myself lacked connection and so it didn’t fulfill me.

I used to freak out when this happened. I would start berating myself for my inability to do what I know I need to do. Or, I’d fall into the hole of how horrible I have it and how unfair this is, getting myself stuck in self-pity and rage.

This time however, I didn’t. Instead I felt immense grief. I was aware and heartbroken that I have such a trauma filled past that this is what some of my days are like.

I know that my inner child is exhausted. She needs more than just one day to rest. She needed a day to zone out because that is all she knows, but I understand now that it is my job to ensure she doesn’t get stuck there.

I refuse to view myself as unable or broken because of my struggles with Complex PTSD, instead I will simply try again next time. 💪

As you heal and you learn the flow of your own process, please be patient – healing is a long-term commitment, it doesn’t happen overnight.



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