On January 9th, 2021 I was triggered during a LIVE Instagram show and since then, I have been on a hell of a journey. During that show a piece of my childhood trauma that has always been lumped with the rest, knocked free and became its own separate piece of tragedy and pain for me to face and deal with.
I am amazed as I read back over my writing to see the struggle of each individual day vs the full picture of how I am moving through this new territory.
Over the course of these last few weeks I have been very remiss in my commitments to life and to my work, specifically here on my website. For those who follow me on IG, you are familiar with my journey – for those who do not I am going to take you on a journey through my trigger day to day as I worked it out, dealt with the symptoms, and got to where I am now.
And let me tell you – I am not out of the woods yet. You will find as you read along, that my mind and body began to slide slowly and then before I knew it, I was in the thick of it.
Day 2 Post Trigger
I truly believe that the abuse I have been through has given me a level of understanding and empathy to pain and suffering that many cannot fathom. I often feel the weight of the unfairness in this world intensely.
Last summer my city became the most recent epicenter for BLM protests after a police shooting. In the weeks that followed, my city turned into what felt like a war zone – soldiers everywhere with guns, our downtown barricaded off, riots, protests, more shooting, and buildings burnt to the ground.
I live in a small harbor town, not a major city. What we experienced here was devastating on many levels. Yesterday as I went out to work I found my city in the same state it was months ago and the emotional flashbacks of the summer have been intense.
After it was announced that the police officer would not be charged, my city was put on curfew and the ugly divisiveness in the street and on social media began again. I saw a post from one of our city alderman last night: a black, gay man – and he said his connection to this reality is fractured. It is his people being oppressed and his colleagues allowing the unfair class status quo to continue. I felt his pain so deeply.
I am sitting with an immense feeling of helplessness this morning in addition to sadness, anger, and compassion for the black community of my city. Knowing how I feel – I can’t even begin to imagine their fear, anxiety, and pain. Racial trauma is a very real thing.
Emotional flashbacks can be painful and they are tiring. My mind and body seem to shift so violently from one space of emotional existence to another that I feel it physically. For me, most often it is the sudden loss of breath like someone just punched me in the stomach.
I am grateful I don’t have to work today outside my home. My mind and my emotions need space today to go through whatever they need to go through. If you need space today – make sure you take it!!