Coffee is therapy. Read along as I relate and offer affirmation to the struggles of living with Complex PTSD over my morning coffee.
Knowing what I need to do and doing it are two very different things. This space that I am in right now is not letting go easily, and I don’t seem to have the desire to fight it.
I’ve lost interest in things I enjoy in recent days. I have no space for anyone and so I find myself withdrawing and closing the door on the outer world so I can find some peace and quiet.
I am just so tired.
When I find myself in this space, I always become hyper focused on the whys instead of just accepting that I am here.
Searching for the reason I have shut down feels like a productive use of energy and so I feel justified in the distraction from simply accepting that I have been so traumatized in my life that part of my survival coping skills is to shut down.
Then I berate myself for allowing it to get this bad because I should know better by now. I should have seen it coming and taken the proper self-care steps to properly recharge.
Then I feel completely defeated because honestly, I DO practice self-care and it feels like it never fills me up the way I read, hear, and see that it is supposed too. It doesn’t happen that way for me …
I can spend a day with my family and feel amazing afterward. I can also spend a day with my family and feel just as exhausted afterwards as I did before.
What is wrong with my brain??
Ugh, trauma.
These are the moments when I want to give up the most. You read that right, I still think about how nice it would be to just pack it away, flip the switch and go back to comfortably numb.
But I know, you know – we both know that isn’t an option. This is my life and I deserve to live it fully connected and happy.
This is just a moment in the entirety of my journey; I have been here before and I always make it through.
On goes the journey.
damn, this was excellently written, something that I found hard to explain but reading this, I don’t feel so alone because I truly knows there are more understanding people out there. The struggles definitely not easy as we all thought. Thank you for writing this.