A Wall of Exhaustion

Coffee is therapy. Read along as I relate and offer affirmation to the struggles of living with Complex PTSD over my morning coffee.

Knowing what I need to do and doing it are two very different things. This space that I am in right now is not letting go easily, and I don’t seem to have the desire to fight it.

I’ve lost interest in things I enjoy in recent days. I have no space for anyone and so I find myself withdrawing and closing the door on the outer world so I can find some peace and quiet.

I am just so tired.

When I find myself in this space, I always become hyper focused on the whys instead of just accepting that I am here.

Searching for the reason I have shut down feels like a productive use of energy and so I feel justified in the distraction from simply accepting that I have been so traumatized in my life that part of my survival coping skills is to shut down.

Then I berate myself for allowing it to get this bad because I should know better by now. I should have seen it coming and taken the proper self-care steps to properly recharge.

Then I feel completely defeated because honestly, I DO practice self-care and it feels like it never fills me up the way I read, hear, and see that it is supposed too. It doesn’t happen that way for me …


I can spend a day with my family and feel amazing afterward. I can also spend a day with my family and feel just as exhausted afterwards as I did before.

What is wrong with my brain??

Ugh, trauma.

These are the moments when I want to give up the most. You read that right, I still think about how nice it would be to just pack it away, flip the switch and go back to comfortably numb.

But I know, you know – we both know that isn’t an option. This is my life and I deserve to live it fully connected and happy.

This is just a moment in the entirety of my journey; I have been here before and I always make it through.

On goes the journey.

One thought on “A Wall of Exhaustion

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  1. damn, this was excellently written, something that I found hard to explain but reading this, I don’t feel so alone because I truly knows there are more understanding people out there. The struggles definitely not easy as we all thought. Thank you for writing this.

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