I had an experience last night that I am still processing.
A long (long) time friend, like over 20 years long-time – took issue with something I posted a few days ago and made a decision that our political and social stance differences were too great and that our friendship could no longer withstand.
It was shocking and my immediate emotional response was to go numb.
I responded with respect for his decision, not once offering a defense for the opinions he took issue with. But in my own living room I was literally running the cost/benefit of our friendship out loud with my husband as I tried to absorb what this meant for me.
Who’s Allowed?
I talked it over with a friend this morning and she said to me that my response was from a place of self-concept; an empowered place of decision making about who is allowed to be in relation with me.
It is a bit shocking to the senses to realize I responded and am currently in a space of deep healing as I move through this experience.
I never once questioned myself, even as I reflected on the emotional outburst (which it was) and understood that (maybe) I could have chosen different words.
Even as a triggered part of me keeps trying to tell me that this should be way more than it is, that I should be overwhelmed and anxious, and that I should feel guilty and apologize for offending someone, I am present and in control.
I don’t believe any of it, not when I truly look inward.
It feels like my body and trauma brain are addicted to trauma responses and I find myself in a weird space of cognitive dissonance with the actuality of where I am in my own healing.
Those Emotions Don’t Belong to Me
I will not internalize his issue with me as a negative reflection of who I am which goes against everything my mind and body are conditioned to do.
Understanding all of this hasn’t taken away the sadness that my words hurt a friend, I would never do that intentionally. I also feel a pull of fear that a friendship could be lost so suddenly when I stand strongly and authentically as myself.
Still, I regret nothing and accept that there may be consequence of my stance. After all, I cannot make everyone happy if I am truly being myself.
This shows me so clearly that I am healing.
Eventually last night my friend and I were able to talk it out as he took accountability for his own actions and responses. He and I will work through this, we both have trauma, triggers, and a multitude of responses because of it.
What an experience to have and to reflect on from a place that feels more healed than ever before.
One goes the journey 💪🏻❤️
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