I always knew I wasn’t wanted,
that I didn’t fit in with that family,
I knew I was a burden, a responsibility that no one wanted
before I understood the meaning of the word.
I was left alone most of the time unsupervised,
punished for things I didn’t know,
and taught to be seen, not heard.
No one protected me.
I was gaslighted, silenced,
and punished for speaking up.
Always available to the whims of a generational pedophile
while my family turned away.
Can you imagine knowing these truths so deeply
at an age as young as 5?
I didn’t try to be good, I learned early that it didn’t matter.
They thought what they thought –
no matter what I did.
I remember feeling defeated,
and if you can beat them, join them.
I was called bossy, and ill-behaved by the adults in my life.
I was teased and ridiculed by my peers.
I didn’t have a place in the world that felt safe.
So I always stared at the sky …
I wished hard all the time that she would come back and save me,
but the clouds changed every day as I watched the sky,
and she never returned.
Why did the universe take my mother from me?
When I was 16 I tried to go to her instead –
I am grateful that my ignorance then hindered my plans,
and instead left me with a stomach ache from the Tylenol.
As I sit here decades later
I can still feel the pain from my childhood echo through the whole of my body,
the helplessness of my youth finally escaping
through the tears on my forty one year old face.
So much pain pushed down,
turned off, ignored,
and forgotten through time and dissociation.
It feels like the very core of my being is made up of pain,
and so much loss.
Alas, these wounds have found a doorway out,
a way to heal –
through validation, acceptance, and space for emotional release
from all of that weighs me down.
With my healing journey as a beacon to follow through the dark,
and my True Self walking alongside my inner child hand in hand,
I am stepping into the life I deserve.
I am finding myself,
I am finding my people,
and I am chasing my childhood dreams with vigor and excitement.
I do belong!
I am wanted,
I am loved,
I am valued,
and I am worthy!!
On goes the journey
Poem by: Shanon Page