Thoughts Over Coffee via @survivingchildhoodtrauma ☕️
I am finally coming out of one of he deepest freeze mode I’ve experienced in quite some time.
I have shared in recent posts online my daily journey in real-time as I try to work through this and get myself back to a level of productivity that isn’t causing negative consequences.
It’s been a battle of will like no other.
I am facing some serious fears as I work on shaking myself loose from this freeze mode.
A Fear Driven Protector
Fear of loss.
Fear of overwhelming grief.
Fear of no control.
Fear of failure.
As I unpack all the reasons why I am frozen, why I avoid and disconnect – I realize freeze mode is my response to fear and powerlessness. I have a deeply held belief that I cannot protect myself, and it is activated and holding no punches.
In reflection, it makes sense. I couldn’t fight back , or run as a child. Fawning got me nowhere because no one cared. I had no safe space, no safe person to seek out during my abusive childhood, so I learned to freeze and disconnect. That is where I found safety.
I have so much more control inside my inner world than I do staying connected to the chaos, confusion, and overwhelm of being present in times of great stress.
An Uphill Climb
But that is not where healing happens.
I’ve been taking note of the big events, changes, and stresses I have experienced over the last handful of months and I continue to work hard to give myself space to process.
I need to show myself that I can sit with fear and that I can both protect and comfort myself through it. I need to give myself the grace that I always talk about, I need to be gentle with myself like I always say to others.
I need to remember to breathe.
Pulling myself out of freeze mode is so challenging, but I continue to work at it. Making space for rest, and digging in when I need to give myself a little push.
This part is an uphill climb, but on goes the journey. 💪🏻🔥
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