It Was Never My Fault

Thoughts Over Coffee ☕️via @survivingchildhoodtrauma

A New Memory

Over the summer during one of my reiki sessions, a new memory surfaced and it landed hard. I kept silent all day about it, and it took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do with this memory.

The next morning, literally as the sun was rising, I had an amazing friend open up space and let me place the heaviness of this new memory down for help.

As I shared with her this memory – a memory that I have always had but remembered differently – I suddenly understood why.

I was 16 that summer. The trial/suicide with my grandfather was so recent in my mind having happened just months prior. I was still settling into my third guardianship change and the woman I was living with would continue the emotional abuse and neglect I had experienced to that point for the next 18 months before kicking me out at 17.

I am Not to Blame

I took responsibility for what happened to me that summer back in the 90s.

I have always believed that I must have wanted it. Now I remember just how much I didn’t want it and how trapped and afraid I felt the whole time.

As I work through how to move forward with this new piece of my healing puzzle I realize how internalized all of my childhood trauma is.

It is the crux for every challenging part of my healing journey.

Everything comes back to “it’s me”. I am the unworthy one, the not good enough one, the unlovable one, I am the one to blame. It is such a deeply held belief in my body. As a child I internalized every part of my abuse as a negative reflection of myself, as something I deserved.

I still struggle with this sometimes.

As I heal, I continue to untangle this negative belief and release the shame I have held for so long.

It was never my fault. It was never your fault. 🔥

On goes the journey 💪🏻❤️‍🩹

Looking for ways to connect with other survivors and/or receive support as you heal?

Survivor’s Circle Peer Support Groups might be just what you need. These small groups meet on alternating Wednesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays via Zoom. In these groups, survivors connect, share, and support each other through the ebbs and flows of healing. Attend a session and experience the magical healing that happens when survivors connect and support each other through shit only we can understand.

You can also book individual 1:1 peer support sessions with Shanon for private support in a closed space. You deserve support as you heal, and I am here to help. You don’t have to heal alone.


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