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  1. Oh my god, Shannon. I also got into shoplifting, through hanging out with the wrong kids when I started at secondary school. Although I never got caught before I stopped it.

    But my dad did the ignoring thing, rather than resolve a conversation, especially if it involved criticising him. He’d find an excuse to say he walked away because I was shouting, when the shouting was always a result of insulting/gaslighting things which he said to me.

    And I’m sure that I considered throwing myself down the stairs once, too, or similar things. In fact I imagined throwing myself out of the upstairs window for sure. AND I am sure that if I had thrown myself down the stairs, that there would’ve been no reaction to it too. And not even necessarily as a result of ‘silent treatment’. I wrote once about how I accidentally fell off the garage roof once through messing around, and was so lucky not to die or be seriously injured. And my dad had no response when I told him, shaken. He probably just thought I was making it up.

    It’s so terrible that you were feeling so bad that you actually overcame your own survival instinct to do that. It’s not an easy thing to do! But I totally relate to the feeling of loneliness and helplessness which you had afterwards. ๐Ÿ’™

    By the way, I did tune in on Saturday to your interview! It was pretty mind-blowing. Much respect to you! Thanks for doing it :).

  2. Wow, that’s huge progress!

    “His healing is his journey, all I can do is be there as his mother” โ€“ the fact that you are there is something special that a lot of people don’t have available to them.

  3. As usual, wonderful written expression of your struggles and victories. I might add that your journey of โ€œchoosing courageโ€ in your life has allowed you to strengthen and deepen your friendships too. ๐Ÿ’œ Your children have such an awesome legacy of knowing how brave, strong, resilient and determined their mother is.

  4. I love the family photo! I don’t have many things to balance, but i still manage to get off track wandering dazed and confused down alleyways that don’t lead anywhere.

  5. You really were vulnerable during the call! I noticed how calm you were, considering the things that you were talking about. It actually did make me think “does she realise how vulnerable she’s being?” lol.

    “so they donโ€™t overwhelm me and cause me to disconnect.”

    This is what I am fighting right now. I came on here to try to read to reconnect myself. My form of ‘disconnection’ is obsessive awareness of body things like blinking, and on the process of stopping that obsession. Heightened awareness of my body and mind. Sigh!

  6. Lol. I find the universal reverence for coffee fascinating. I have a habit of noticing when it’s mentioned in fictional books, and it’s almost all of the time. And it’s all too easy to imagine that the author was drinking a coffee at the time of writing that bit, and was just feeling all-too-unicorn-like, lol. So I’ve already decided long ago that if I ever write a long fictional story, then it will have no mentions of coffee in it :).

      1. There is so much truth in your observation. Anytime a get together is suggested, most times it is suggested “over coffee” (or beer). hahah – this all made me laugh out loud. ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

        Which I desperately needed after the morning I had! So thank you!! ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ™

  7. I’m sorry you had to go through this, some people are just entitled jerks! Some of my Shipt shoppers take a picture of the bags sitting on my porch and then send it to me when they send me their text stating my order has been delivered. If I were you, I would definitely start doing this. Make sure their house number is visible in the picture. Hopefully this would eliminate the possibility of someone trying to get you in trouble!

  8. “The traveler has to knock at every alien door to come to his own,
    and one has to wander through all the outer worlds to reach the innermost shrine at the end.”

    Waaaait this is really interesting to me! At a friend’s house last year, we played a computer game he had which was called ‘Outer Wilds’. It literally involved exploring a bunch of worlds in order to reach the innermost shrine at the end, haha. It also had a feel of epicness and grandiosity to it. Funny.

    1. Iโ€™m not okay, but Iโ€™m doing what I can to move through this. Unrest has calmed, but only because thereโ€™s military and unmarked federal cars all over my town.

      The shooter has been charged but heโ€™s in a different state, he was supposed to be extradited today but they pushed it out 30 days.

      The cop hasnโ€™t been charged.

      The police blame the victims for being killed and my mayor supports the police.

      All the while, my town is boarded up (itโ€™s surreal) everything closes at like 5pm, and all the white people seem to think painting hearts, flowers, and peace on the wood covering their windows somehow fixes the systemic racism that has caused this.

      Iโ€™m an emotional wreck ๐Ÿฅบ

      But yesterday I got a lot of stuff done at home and today I worked outside the house a little bit. Slowly reconnecting to myself.

      Thank you for checking in on me ๐Ÿ˜Š๐Ÿ’œ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป

  9. This brought tears to my eyes…because you get it. You are seeing the world through God’s eyes. So few see the reality. Thank you for sharing your grief. Would it be okay if I share this with my church group? All I see is your first name to give you credit…is that okay?

    1. I would love for you to share this if you think it will help. โค๏ธ๐ŸŒป๐Ÿ™๐Ÿป Thank you for understanding my grief. My city is small, there isnโ€™t a part that isnโ€™t familiar to me. This week of trade by runs deep. ๐Ÿฅบ

    1. I have considered a Patreon. I’ve got the content for a book but no motivation to pull it together. I have considered “premium content” but feel like what I write here needs to be available not charged for.

      Not sure what other means of profit there are, other than writing things I’ve no interest in. I have a hard time coming up with the click bait style pieces bigger websites pay for because they feel like work and not genuine sharing about the healing journey after childhood trauma.

      Maybe I’m undervaluing myself and just getting in my own way … ugh.

  10. I have house dreams, too, and they’re so nostalgic and sad since the houses in question are no longer in my family’s ownership. ๐Ÿ™ Great job reaching a goal!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. Thanks for this! My response to these situations seems to be body-focused repetitive tics. And they can be reallly hard to undo. I’ve been finding it very hard lately to be able to focus on and enjoy anything, or to relax. And it all makes me hypervigilant too. But I’m doing better today, and have managed to sculpt a safe self-sufficient environment around myself to protect myself from the horrors of this shared house that I am living in ๐Ÿคฆโ€โ™‚๏ธ. So, I feel able to work on undoing them again and regaining ability to do things including reading. Your post was re-assuring :).

    1. I’m sorry your living situation is so difficult. Glad to hear my words helped a little. ๐Ÿ™‚ One day at a time, that’s all we can do. I am glad to hear you found the space you needed, I hope you are able to relax into an activity you enjoy.

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